On Gtalk last night, Matt gave me a link to a bunch of funny saying type things. I’ve typed up my favorites:
Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars and thought to myself, “Where is the ceiling?”
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
I like owrk. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to telly ou why it isn’t.
AAAAAA – American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
Death is hereditary.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
A consultant is someone whot akes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
Always remember that you are unique: just like everyone else.
You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark?
Join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side, and the right side.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
He’s not deat – he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I’ll pretend like there’s something witty here and you pretened like you laughed at it.
Department of redundancy department.
Did you ever stop to think… and forget to start again?
Don’t be so open minded that your brains fall out.
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
For people who want peace and quiet… a phoneless cord!
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
How many times have you commited suicide?
I am no one, no one is perfect, therefore, I am perfect.
Just because I’m paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get me!
I knew something was wrong when even my imaginary friends wouldn’t talk to me.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
I took an IQ test… the results were negative.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind most.
My mind wandered…. and never came back.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll gladly do it for you.
If a mime is taken to court, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Let there be world domination.
A stitch in time, means I can rhyme!
I thought that would be best, considering the cat liked it.
Luke! I am your apricot pie!
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my pet rock. Oh, come on – I know a pet rock killer when I see one.
We’re on a mission from Oompa Loompa land and we’re taking all your marshmallows.
Where there’s a will, there’s a dead man.
If wishes were math assignments, I would truly die!
Never take a wooden leg’s man.
Grampa always said “If everyone liked the same thing, we’d all like coffee.”
You are my moving target practice.
In space, no one can hear you, and I’m not listening anyway.
I want to roll with… the world’s largest bunny.
It’s like walking barefoot… across a ping-pong table.
Many are called stupid. Only some really are.
The last few were from a game on AP… only the funniest – the first half of a saying is posted by one person and the next person posts a random second half.
Anyway, hope I brightened up your day some!