I Feel Too Young to be 18

{I apologize to those who saw this post incomplete. I accidentally pushed “publish” instead of “save draft.”)

Remember way back when 18 was so old? And eighteen-year-olds seemed so grown up and so much older than you?
… and yet here I am, turning 18 today. I don’t feel as old as 18 used to seem. I still look ahead and think ‘there’s so far to go,’ and look back and think ‘I’ve barely entered the great expanse.’
Looking ahead there are so many things happening that often it feels overwhelming, until I remember to take it one step at a time. And that I won’t ever know it all, and that there’s still so far to travel for everyone.
But I still feel to young to have 18 years past me. Eighteen revolutions around the sun. Eighteen birthdays.
I’m still loud when I should be quiet, and shy when there’s no reason to be, and my cousin claims I’m too short to be as old as I am, and I hate making phone calls, and take the stairs two or three at a time, and love children’s books and small things can still delight me for hours, and twirl around in my skirts, and refuse to wear shoes inside (and sometimes outside, too)…
But I love the way I can feel myself growing when I find myself in the middle of a trial, when I realize that a month ago I’d have responded to an annoyance differently, but have been sanctified by Him, or when I’m driving at 60 miles an hour and remember that I used to be terrified of going above 30 (I still don’t like driving faster than 45).
There’s a quote from Hornblower I mentioned in my Alaska post and I keep coming back to it – when he says he’s thinking “of the distances we travel, and yet how far we have to sail as men.”
There’s so far to go, so much to grow… I’m often overwhelmed by how many things I want to do, how many stories I have to write and edit, how many bowings there are to fix in my string quintet and how many pieces I have ideas for, how imperfect my piano tuning is, how impatient I get teaching piano, how un-Christlike I am when I read the Word and see how far short of His glory I fall.
And then how immense His grace is.

As a lighter end to those musings, here are some dreams, memories, and things I love:

Dreams (some of these are really silly, others really serious)
– live in a yellow house
– go white-water rafting
– visit Machu Pichu
– sail across the Atlantic
– go below the Equator
– behold Him (forever and ever. Soon, I will).
– Labor for the reform of the Bride of Christ and of the country I was born in
– live in Lebanon
–  make Him known wherever I am
– build lasting relationships that point people to Christ and encourage them to be more like Him

18 things I love (in no particular order or importance in my life, and yes, I cheated):
– Tea
– Sailboats, rowboats, frigates
– Csehy Summer School of Music
– Books
– Hiking
– Black licorice, Reisins, and mint chocolate chip ice cream
– Sunrise runs
– family time
– E Major, Phrygian mode, and D minor. And 7th chords.
– Gypsy jazz and Celtic music
– Traveling (and coming home)
– Les Miserables
– apricotpie
– windchimes
– games of speed and/or strategy (like Dutch Blitz, Pandemic, Settlers of Catan, and Empires).
–  logic
– my Savior
18 Memories:
– Tickle time with daddy. We used to take his shoes off, then sit on his legs and tickle his feet. 🙂
– Biking to Hemlock Park and coasting down the big hill, and sledding there in the winter.
– 2006. Tutoring with a group from a church near us.
– Reading as a family: Anne, Little Britches, Redwall, Endurance, Princess Bride, to name a few!
– 1996. Sneaking out of our room in Jordan to watch snippets of Fiddler on the Roof.
– Memorizing the Beatitudes
– Recitation night – especially the year Anna came over beforehand and we played Redwall and plotted stories and reviewed our poems.
– Csehy: from my first summer, being shy of everyone, to this past summer, when I try to MEET everyone. 🙂
– Swimming in Lake Erie in my clothes on the way back from Canada.
– Camping up North with the S’s and then our church – getting whooped in tetherball, walking, smores, campfires, chess, and speed.
– Jordan
– Christmas at gramma’s: snowflakes and Frosty, family, and fondue.
– Sleeping on the patio
– Ballet at Milligans
– Daddy building us a house out of snow, and burying us as he shoveled snow
– Pride and Prejudice (2007) and Lord of the Rings (2006) Marathons
– Exploring Holland
– sewing with Gramma
Some days I feel overwhelmed because I don’t want to continue fighting sin and groaning with all Creation as we suffer and long for Him. … but then there’s other days when I can’t stop thinking about how much He’s blessed me and taught me and how He’s using me for His glory – and then I’m so incredibly thankful for however many more years He gives me, and am excited to see what they may hold.

Pro Christo,


3 thoughts on “I Feel Too Young to be 18

  1. Laura says:

    Happy birthday, Kyleigh! I hate talking on the phone, too 😀
    Did you know that when Robert E. Lee would read to his children, they would have to tickle his feet? If they stopped, he would stop reading until they started again!
    I hope you have a wonderful 18th year. God bless!


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