Letters to God: VI. Goodbyes

{more of reflections on leaving Dubai than actual prayers}

People act very funny when they’re trying to avoid thinking about something painful. We were in the car, laughing and joking but it all seemed distracted because deep down we were all thinking about what was coming in just a few hours, what had been hanging over our heads for a year. But the distraction and foot-tapping to hold back the tears may have made it more bearable, but it couldn’t delay anything.
What was it Eleven said? “Everything has got to end sometime. Otherwise nothing would ever get started.”
There’s a lot ending right now. The year 2013 is ending, and with it my life in Dubai, a life of family and church and music and God. The past five and a half months since Csehy have made me realize that I don’t want the pain of it to go away, if it means loving less. I’ve realized how much I love these people, how much I hate to leave them. But I know if it hurt less, it would be because they didn’t mean as much to me. And I don’t want that.
But that doesn’t make leaving any easier, especially when the people you are leaving understand how difficult it is and are giving so much help and support, making you love them all the more, and they’re telling you things about how God used you in their lives and that just makes it harder to go and more overwhelming.
And in the midst of that, God is there, and He understands since the Father and Jesus were separated for a time. And these aren’t forever goodbyes, only see-you-laters, whether we meet again on earth or above.
And I’m clinging to God and those I love, often supported by melancholic quotes from all over the place. Other people seem to be able to put what I’m feeling into words better than myself.
From someone unknown: “Grief never ends… but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… it’s the price of love.”
Yet another anonymous quote: “You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That’s the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” It’s so true. My heart is all over the place, which is pain and joy all at the same time: pain of missing and joy, sometimes to bursting, of loving so many incredible people.
And remembering the words of Spurgeon, and the greatness of our God: “Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, Divine Love would have put you there.”
But what’s helped most was from the Eleventh Doctor: “We all change when you think about it. We’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s ok, that’s good, as long as you keep moving, as long as you remember all the people that you used to be.”
Somehow that’s so important to me right now. I think it gives me great comfort, to know that it’s possible, to move on without turning your back on all that was. I can leave and do new things, but I will always, always, always remember the people I love and have loved me, and I will hold onto them even if we start growing apart.
But even when there is change, even when I have to let go, God never changes. As one woman at church said to me as I was leaving, “Change is life… but God is constant.” And He is always there, and even when there is a change and I miss what I love – now always has its ways it’s better than then.
And that’s a gift from God.


2 thoughts on “Letters to God: VI. Goodbyes

  1. Terahlyanwë says:

    Change is still really, very hard, though. Especially when it means leaving everyone you love behind!

    (I love that quote from the Eleventh Doctor, too. Oddly profound for Matt Smith’s incarnation, I thought.)


  2. homeschooledlady says:

    This is the most beautiful essay/musing of change I have ever read. I’m going to be going back and reading this from time to time. Praying for you, Kyleigh!


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