Motherhood Lately

{a mish-mash of thoughts I’ve had over the last few months – some things I’ve been learning, some things I wish I’d known with #1, some things about some of the things we say to moms… published on my #1’s 2.5th birthday}

Some things I’ve been learning
– Learning about all of life being worship – even the putting me aside to read a story for the tenth time. “Worship is viewing the worth of God in His word and responding to that worth in every area of our lives.” (paraphrase from Behold Your God) – and when He, not I, is the center of my universe then I can joyfully choose to do things I don’t want to do… even read Pinkerton dramatically AGAIN.
– Learning to sift through my feelings, their fussing, and social media to find their (and my) REAL needs – not how I or they or pinterest or other moms perceive them, but what they really need – which is the same as what I really need – to be brought to God. Learning to ask “how can I glorify God in this situation? What is His will (not my list) for me today?”
– Learning to respect my kids and see them as whole persons with their own fears and loves – being compassionate towards them and making sure I connect with them as much as possible.
– Remembering I am parenting little people with eternal souls who are lovers & worshipers.
– Being content being “just” a mom – finding my plate full with just daily life and not having as much time for writing and music anymore left me trying to juggle everything for a while which often ended up in everyone upset after I played oboe for a few minutes. So learning to not be defined by hobbies or feeling like I need to keep up with them! I still enjoy writing (but it’s pretty much just this blog and emails!) and music (but it’s 15 minutes maybe 3x a week, though I am playing at church again which is wonderful!). That combined with a year in Japan where we could go anywhere any time because of public transport to having one car, and months of craziness for the move leading to me always having something to do so if I have time to play with the girls I often feel like I’m forgetting something and need to be doing something else. But it has been so freeing to learn to just sit and play or read or tramp around the yard.
– Feeling “myself” again – I am feeling more myself after PPD but at the same time coming to realize that my identity shouldn’t be in certain personality traits or likes and dislikes but in Christ, and that who I am changes!

Some things I wish I’d known with #1
– Your child’s sleep is not a measure of good or bad parenting (This seems so obvious now but I really did often feel like I was either failing or doing well based on how S slept).
– Pray FIRST. Root your mothering in dependence on God and His word… not googling what the best schedule is. There are times that can be helpful, but I really benefited from a while of being internetless because I realized how much I tried to find fixes for problems that were really in my heart.
– What’s “best” is what works for YOU and your family.
– Your baby is not annoying you on purpose. Life is new to them and they’re trying to figure it out as much as you are.
– Set timers and reminders! This makes such a difference for me in remembering to take vitamins, and it makes such a difference for S when I say we can do something “when the timer goes off” instead of “in five minutes,” plus it keeps ME accountable to follow through!
– Don’t suffer in silence. If you’re really burdened by something, especially if you feel like you’re the only one, talk to other moms. Everyone’s situation is unique but you may be really encouraged by sharing what you’re struggling with and finding others have been there and have wisdom to share or can at least pray!

Some of the best advice I’ve received
– Worry (or be concerned) about what you can change… do something about that and leave the rest to God.
– it gets easier if you let God get bigger
– trust in the Lord… not your own understanding of a situation.

Some things about things we say to moms
– “You’re all belly/you’re not showing at all/you don’t look pregnant” – I know people mean it as a compliment but my gut reaction to that was “so I normally look like this?” since I could tell I’d gained weight and it was obvious to me that it wasn’t just in my belly (especially when I wasn’t showing yet!).
Let’s compliment or comment on things OTHER than the size of pregnant women!

– “The first 6 weeks are the hardest.” This drove me INSANE after S was born… because the first 6 weeks WEREN’T the hardest. The first 10 days she slept all the time. The rest of the first 6 weeks she slept during the day. The second 6 weeks it was a nightmare to try to get her to sleep during the day, she was sleeping on us at night because of reflux, and I wanted to yell at anyone that told me the first 6 weeks were the hardest.
With Ellie it seemed to be more true, but even still I don’t tell anyone that.
Instead, let’s remind one another that our hope isn’t in the end of a phase but in Christ.

– “It gets easier.” Well, kind of. Nursing does become second-nature. They do sleep longer and become more independent. Their wake time will be more than just nursing them and you’ll be able to do things while they’re awake, and then it gets easier again when they are awake long enough that you can run errands during their awake time. But as all those things happen there are also a lot of things that get harder. So when S was 3 months old and it didn’t feel any easier I again wanted to yell at anyone that said that. And once more, I can feel it getting easier more this time, but I think a lot of that is that I know the light at the end of the tunnel by experience… but even still, I think instead we should say what my sister told me: “It doesn’t always get easier, just different.” There will always be hard things but they change. And I think it’s also true to say “it doesn’t get easier, just better.” They smile, and laugh, and play, and talk, and sing, and bring you flowers, and tell you stories.

– “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll love them immediately.” Or anything else that just brushes off a pregnant mama’s fear. You may have been worried about that and ended up being immediately smitten, but she may not be (I wasn’t). So instead how about we share our experience and offer encouragement in case it’s not that way for them? “You might not feel that way at first, and you might even struggle with any thought of ever being at peace with welcoming the other child in… but you will find your way, you will make new special memories with all of you.”

What are you learning about motherhood? What do you wish you had known? What are ways you like to encourage new moms?
(Noel Piper and some others share some of their thoughts in this video!)

P.S. for some of our favorite practical pregnancy and baby stuff, click the links!

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