On Being Dependent

None of us can do life on our own.

But when I’m rested, it’s easy to think that I can, or at least that I can as long as I have Ezra’s help with dishes and bedtime.

Pregnancy, especially the beginning and the end, make it pretty clear that I’m more dependent on God and others than I usually realize. The fatigue of pregnancy is a clear reminder that I am not God. All of the unknowns our of my control are also heavy indicators of this. And depending on the level of exhaustion, it’s easy to throw around the phrase “less human.” And when I start feeling “less human,” that becomes intertwined with not feeling like I am enough. Rather, that I am not doing enough.

Because when we can keep up with (all of, most, some, a few) of our ideals, it’s easy to think that what we do is earning love and worth. That when we can give something back is when we are lovable. Pregnancy (and even more, postpartum!) always brings me face to face with this lie, and living on a smaller budget in the basement “apartment” of Ezra’s parents’ home has also challenged this. More generally, having kids and moving frequently has done that – favors can’t always be returned, and there isn’t always time or opportunity to “earn” people’s help. But in the body of Christ, that’s all lies anyway because that’s not how God loves us. Not that we should be lazy, but that our worth and loveliness does not come from anything we do for God or others but completely by grace.

So I’ve learned to take free food or accept extra babysitting or a ride or kids’ clothes without any burden of feeling I have to do something in return. But it’s also been amazing to see places where I have been able to pour into the community – not necessarily back to the same people who have helped us, but others in the Body – in a way that points to the interdependence of God’s people. The same month we were given 13 newborn cloth diapers, we found a home to give away the booster seat that had never sold on craigslist. As believers, we should not have a log of who did what for me that I need to repay or who I’ve done things for that I can go to for help. It’s about grace and sharing freely what God has given us. Dependence.

This dependence does not make us “less human.” Having a low-functioning brain from being sleep deprived also does not make me “less human.” You are never more or less human.
Aubry Smith writes in Holy Labor (and this applies beyond pregnant women!), “Women are made strong because God has created them in his image. Women have limitations because they are human and not God (or goddesses!). Once we embrace our humanity, we are free to enjoy the strength God gives us and revel in the Sabbath rest given to us by our loving creator” (58).
So we can sleep with tasks unfinished, ask for help from people we hardly know, and receive support without shame. This is hard for all humans because of pride (we want to be gods! See “Humble Roots” by Hannah Anderson). But the popular narrative of pregnant women as “goddesses” can make this even harder for mothers.

Smith writes, “While I was physically stronger, the mother goddess narrative also loaded guilt and shame on me when I felt the limitations of my own body. Pregnant mothers do have limits, and the limitations are greater than the limitations on bodies of non-pregnant women… As I neared labor, my so-called inner goddess couldn’t be paged. I was coming to terms with my own humanity. These books left me almost unable to admit my creaturely weaknesses and limitations. And I still had postpartum ahead of me! I felt as if I lived in a paradox: a pregnant woman is strong, and a pregnant woman is weak” (45).

Like it or not, as humans we are dependent. When we are strong by God’s grace, others depend on us. And when we are weak, we by God’s grace depend on others. Either way, we are all the while recipients of His grace and hesed – a word that doesn’t fully translate into English but that Michael Card summarizes as “when the person from whom I have a right to expect nothing gives me everything.”

May we as members of the body of Christ, pregnant or not, weak or strong, fully receive His free grace, bestow it uncalculatingly on others, and receive it without burden.