In Love With the Little Years

(2019)

When they hear our girls are 4 and 2 and less than two years apart, many people comment that I must be very busy and have my hands full. That’s not untrue (I stopped typing that first sentence to supply a not-napping toddler with an extra blanket because she “needed something to keep her feet warm” in our very warm bed), but lately I’ve found myself becoming more aware of how life will change as they get older and that has led to me treasuring these years.

I love that we can sit at home and do nothing if we’re in need of a day (or two or three) like that, since we don’t “have to” do school or be places other than church.
I love how easy they are to pick up and carry around.
I love watching their personalities blossom.
I love how they bring me book after book to read to them.
I love all the silly things they say.
I love how they want to be involved in so many things I do.
I love how they love learning things and think the library is just about the greatest place on the planet.
I love rest/nap time in the middle of the day.
I love how they shower affection, forgive, say sorry, and move on from my sin without holding a grudge.
I love that food brings them such great delight.
I love that I can give them so much attention and be so fully involved without older children needing my attention.
I love their imaginations.
I love the questions they ask.
I love their love for each other.
I love wondering who they will become.
I love watching them copy us, especially in learning to pray.
I love their shrieks and squeals (the delighted ones).
I love that they believe mommy and papa can do pretty much anything.
I love how easy they are to entertain and make laugh.
I love hearing their hopes for “when I get big.”
I love how easily they find wonder and delight in simple things.

Of course, it’s different for each family, with personalities, life circumstances, ages, and number of children. And I could make a likely longer list of all the things I won’t miss about this stage of life… but I won’t, because they’re all things worth putting up with in order to love these littles.

April 2024: Links

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a quarterly post with books read and links from around the Internet, but I’ve still been saving some bookmarks to share.

  1. My Mind, My Enemy (Sarah Clarkson, Plough. On creativity and mental illness)
  2. Macrina the Younger (brief bio of Gregory of Nyssa and Basil of Caesarea’s sister, sometimes referred to as “the fourth Cappadocian”)
  3. Children of Eve
  4. Violence but Not Without Mercy (differences between Tolkien’s legendarium and Norse mythology and the presentation of violence)
  5. What to do With a Bad Day of Homeschooling (My Little Robins. More than just “forget school and go outside.”)
  6. Closeup look at the weapons of Rings of Power (I always love hearing the story behind details, and weapons are especially cool)
  7. An Ode to Silence (food for thought on *not* posting)
  8. Lorenzo Colangeli – The Lord of the Rings (LotR meets Secret of the Kells–beautiful artwork)
  9. Low Sleep Needs Babies (the challenge before us with baby #4!)
  10. 9 Signs Your Smartphone is Actually a Ring of Power (ouch)
  11. The Princess and the Girlboss (pigeonholing female protagonists. Eowyn falls prey to this)
  12. Some of Tolkien’s art available as prints

Discipline: Changing Desires

(2018)

At the beginning of the year I mentioned my word for 2018 was “discipline.” It’s been neat to see how daily life, Bible study, classes, and other reading have converged to teach and grow me in that area. One of the most helpful things was a process for working through desires. This is a combination of a 3-step process from dealing with emotions put forward by Dr. Randy Roberts and the book Gospel Treason by Brad Bigney. I’ve listed more resources that contributed to this thinking at the end.

1. ADMIT your desires: This may take digging. As the tag line for “You Are What You Love” says, “you may not love what you think.” Our idols hide. Strong cravings, anger, irritability, and conflict are all signs that we love something. There are times when these emotions stem from godly desires. But most often, we experience them because we are desiring an idol more than God. So when you desire a second helping, find yourself on a Facebook binge, lose your temper when your child does something sinful (or even childish), or are irritated at your husband putting his dirty dishes in the wrong side of the sink, ask yourself: what does this reveal about what I truly love right now?

2. ASSESS your desires: Once you’ve identified what you are desiring, determine whether or not it’s a legitimate desire with legitimate intensity. Wanting your children to obey you is not wrong. In fact, it’s a biblical desire. But if you want them to obey you for your own ease and not because it’s what God wants for them, then it’s no longer a legitimate desire. Wanting to eat is also a good thing. But if all you can think about is eating what you want when you want it, it doesn’t have legitimate intensity. What does the Bible say about your desires? What should you be desiring, and why?*

3. ALTER your desires: In the moment of temptation, this usually looks like choosing to obey God even when we don’t feel like it. I may still really want a second (or third) piece of cake, but I’m going to choose not to because it wouldn’t be caring for the body He’s given me to steward. So I say no and remind myself of truth about God and how His love satisfies more than gorging myself on dessert. If you’ve already acted on an inordinate desire, then repentance is key here as well.
Altering desires is proactive as well. In order to desire God more, we must know Him more. This happens through worship and immersion in His Word, so that we desire Him more than our sin in the first place, and so that our emotions reflect His, not our own sin nature.
External stimuli and internal desires should lead us to acknowledge, assess, and if needed, alter our desires. This repeated process accumulates into habits, which in turn becomes our character. If our responses aren’t shaped by His Word, then we will continue to fall to sin. But if we reorient our desires to align with His, then our wants and trials will make us more and more like Christ.

*I often will try to fight checking social media by saying “I shouldn’t,” but not giving a specific reason. But I need to know why I shouldn’t in order for there to be any real growth in self-control. I also need to make sure that my “shouldn’t” reaches my heart, rather than being an external rule that is of no value against the flesh (Colossians 2:21-24). Is my heart set on Christ?

Resources:
Gospel Treason (Bigney)
A Chance to Die (Elliot)
You are What you Love (Smith)
True Feelings (Mahaney/Whitaker)
Love to Eat, Hate to Eat (Fitzpatrick)
Philippians
Colossians

Why I Share About my PMADs

(2017)

A number of people have mentioned to me that they have struggled with PPD but have never said anything publicly like I have, so I wanted to share a little about why I’ve decided to talk about it.

One of the reasons I share is because the feeling of everyone else having it together (thanks, social media!) while I was struggling was something that made the depression a lot worse and made me feel so alone – but I knew that the idea of everyone else having it easy wasn’t true and didn’t want to contribute to that cycle for others.

Another reason is that what I’ve read from others who decided to share was so helpful to me that I wanted to share what I could. There’s a lot that can be shared and said without going into a lot of details. Some things are too personal, others can be dangerous to say publicly, and other things would only have made my struggle worse by causing me to dwell on it or make it part of an identity – God’s child, not depressed, is who I am.

But the biggest reason I share is that I’ve been reading in the Psalms, and they are full of calls to speak about God’s faithfulness, to share about “His strength and His wondrous works that He has done” (Psalm 78:4). The idea that there could be another side, an end to the darkness, and truth to His promises was at times unfathomable but here on the other side, a year after it started getting really bad, the list of how He has been faithful and how He has worked in my life and our family is always growing.

“When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within,
Then I was senseless and ignorant, I was like a beast before You.
(maybe the best scriptural description of PPD?)
Nevertheless,
I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
With Your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever…
…as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.”
– Psam 73:21-28

What PPD Feels Like

I share this not to solicit sympathy or scare anyone, but to alert support teams to stranger symptoms and manifestations, and to give validity to what moms are feeling/give them something to identify with. This post is the “down” to many other things that I share which are “up.” These feelings came in waves; it was rarely all happening even in one week, but spread out over months. There are some things I left out, to protect our privacy and family.

If you are feeling this way and are not currently getting help for PPD, do so now. Call 911 or 1-800-944-4773 if you need immediate support.

PPD feels like…
• Drowning, and every time you come up to breathe someone shoves you back underwater.
• A cloud at midnight, covering the stars in an already dark time.
• Not only not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but not believing it exists.
• Apologizing for things you have no responsibility for. “I’m sorry she won’t sleep.” (“I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong” on the Edinburgh Scale).
• Heaven, no comfort. His promises, no hope. Gethsemene, the only link to God. To enter in to His pleas, His abandonment. He will not let the cup pass, and yet it feels I must drink it alone.
• Does He really know I am but dust? And how much weight can a bruised reed take before it breaks?
• Baptism. Suffering. Drenching in death, wrenching, gasping, drowning. Luke 12:50
• Birth. The pains of being made new.
• Waves of grief and mourning, for the Uncle newly in glory and the cousin soon to fade away, and for all the things that are no longer as they were, all the ways it could have been.
• A different postpartum in daydreams, but all the memories, all the photos, any newborn bring panic welling up with remembrance of juggling, drowning, suffocating.
• Excessive mom guilt. If I leave the house with baby, everyone must be thinking she’s too young to be out, she’s in the carrier wrong. If I leave without her, everyone must think I’m a bad mom for leaving so young a baby with grandma while I run an errand.
• The baby crowning again every time I close my eyes or sit in certain ways.
• Living in a dream – moments of wonder and joy, but twisted in are elements that turn the dream into a nightmare: things odd and out of place, frightening, unreal, bizarre and shadowy.
• Dying, the old self burying in the dirt, the “things which can be shaken” (Hebrews 12:27) being removed.
• Losing your temper and then feeling like a toddler that just realized he disobeyed (again) and bursting into tears at how uncontrollable you are, then responding to the lack of control by micromanaging, which only leads to more stress.
• Moods and emotions coming out of nowhere, overwhelming any self-control or idea of how you should be feeling, irritation at every little thing (even spilling a glass of water)
• Wondering why you don’t goof around with the kids like your husband does, and feeling guilty that you don’t.
• No afterbirth “high,” no newborn smell.
• Dreading the start of every day, but it’s not like night is any better.
• Doing everything you can think of to help yourself feel better… but nothing works.
• Unwillingness to wait for God to answer, demanding He fit in my box.
• Grasping for the Light(switch) in the darkness
• My own thoughts are my enemies (this changed the way I read Psalms)
• Why do I feel this way when she’s so easy?

A word of hope in closing, with the acknowledgement that mamas in the throes may not see it as such:
“Because “God is greater than your heart,” you can trust Him to care for you when your heart breaks through disappointment or suffering… to rejoice with you in times of joy and success…to correct and lead you through doubt and fear… He can handle the depth of your emotions. He is not afraid of them, and as you bring them back to Him, you shouldn’t be afraid of them either.” (from Humble Roots, Hannah Anderson).

5 Favorite Articles for Homeschooling Moms

Last year, I picked a few articles for the moms in our co-op to discuss. It didn’t usually happen because of kids running around, but I still love these five articles as a starting point for thinking about goals and methods in homeschooling!

Creating a Philosophy of Education: Questions to Ask (Letters from Nebby)

Parenting: It’s Never an Interruption (Paul Tripp)

Why Parenting Strategies Won’t Work (Paul Tripp)

Jamie Smith’s You Are What You Love in Ten Sentences (Think Theology)*

An Open Letter to Parents Feeling Unequipped to Disciple Their Kids (Crossway/Ryan Lister)

*with this paragraph from the book itself:

“Every parenting strategy… assumes something about the nature of human beings… Having drunk from the Cartesian wells of modernity,[1] we tend to treat our children as intellectual receptacles, veritable brains-on-a-stick, and we parent and protect them accordingly. We try to foster their faith by providing them with biblical knowledge, catechizing them to give us the right answers, and then gradually equipping them to also discern the false teachings the world will throw at them. If we humans are basically thinking things, then both our defenses and our instruction should be primarily didactic and theological.

            “But what does it look like to parent lovers? What does it look like to curate a household as a formative space to direct our desires? How can home be a place to (re)calibrate our hearts?

            “That changes things. It means we should be concerned about the ethos of our households—the unspoken “vibe” carried in our daily rituals. Every household has a “hum,” and that hum has a tune that is attuned to some end, some telos. We need to tune our homes, and thus our hearts, to sing his grace. That tuning requires intentionality with regard to the hum, the constant background noise generated by our routines and rhythms. That background noise is a kind of imaginative wallpaper that influences how we imagine the world, and it can either be a melody that reinforces God’s desires for his creation or it can (often unintentionally) be a background tune that is dissonant with the Lord’s song. You could have Bible ‘inputs’ every day and yet still have a household whose frantic rhythms are humming along with the consumerist myth of production and consumption. You may have Bible verses on the wall in every room in the house and yet the unspoken rituals reinforce self-centeredness rather than sacrifice.”

                        You Are What You Love, James K. A. Smith, Page 127.


[1] By “Cartesian,” he’s referencing Descartes’ idea, “I think, therefore I am,” and our tendency to conceive of ourselves as primarily thinking things, not loving/worshipping things.

Stewarding the Earth

(from 2018)

Go plastic-free.
Buy local.
Organic is best.
All your clothes should be fair trade.
These and many other messages bombard us, especially in the natural health blogosphere. There are some fantastic resources, but it can be too much. Sometimes we need to re-focus, like when you feel guilty when your husband mentions paper plates or read the new dirty dozen. When you how quickly the trash fills stresses you out. When you cringe buying food that isn’t ideally packaged.

These are signs to me that I’ve lost perspective. That in trying to care for the earth I’ve become a slave not a steward. That I’m listening more to the voices advocating saving the environment than I am to the One that says I’m forgiven.

We are the rulers of the earth, not its subjects. We do need to care for the earth and not be wasteful. But as believers, saving the physical earth is not our focus.

1. Relationships
We shouldn’t be militant about our choices to the point where we divide with others or others divide with us because of them. We are not saved by how we care for the earth. If someone is completely wasteful, there very rarely might be a time to discuss change with them. But for the most part, if there is conflict because you disagree about how to steward the earth, you might need to re-check your priorities.

We also have to be careful not to let the time or money consumed by “going green” put stress on relationships. The earth is not our only limited resource. Time and money are not boundless either. There may be times to choose a “less green” option in order to spend less time in the kitchen and more time with your family. You may also choose to forgo organic and use the extra to support eternal investments.

The earth will one day pass away, no matter how well we care for it. The souls of those in our communities will last forever.

Our food dollars should reflect this.

2. Life
Because people have eternal souls, they are worth more than the earth. Thus, our priority needs to be on life more than earth.

This may mean buying ethical coffee, chocolate, or clothing so you aren’t supporting unsafe work environments. But it may also mean purchasing cheaper clothes so that sweatshop laborers have work and don’t have to turn to prostitution or leave their families in order to survive. Or it may mean shopping second hand and using the difference to support organizations working for change in those areas, like International Justice Mission.

It also means that the pro-life cause needs to weigh heavier on our political agendas than climate change.*

Another component of life is our personal health.
We need to watch what we put into and onto our bodies. Often what’s best for our bodies is also best for the environment and animals. Some people see a big difference when they eat organic and non-GMO. I don’t. But when I can buy organic, I do. I think there is long-term benefit to avoiding pesticides. Hormones and antibiotics in meat and dairy production is a bigger deal to me. Plastics can leach hormone disruptors, so we avoid it.

But more important than all of those is eating a diet** free of processed sugars and flours and focusing on veggies and whole foods. And eating what feels right to your body. I feel sick on a high-fat diet. I need breaks from meat. Nuts and nut flours wreak havoc on my digestion, but I do just fine with wheat.
Eat to fuel your body.

*Natural disasters and changing weather patterns do affect people’s lives, as does our response to them. But abortion is a much worse problem.
**not dieting but just how you eat

Health goes beyond what we put into our mouths. I’ve mentioned stress already regarding relationships. But stress will also affect your health. You may need to change your standards if you’re stressed about budget or running short on time. Maybe you’re moving, just had a baby, your husband lost his job, or with little kids you don’t have time any more to make your own yogurt, bread, and broth, and buying it costs more, so you can’t buy organic milk anymore.
Conventionally grown and raised food might hurt your body in the long run, but stress definitely will, and it won’t take long.

While stewarding the earth is important, I believe that biblically our priority should be preserving life and community. Our buying power should reflect this.

With all that in mind, here are a few ways we have reduced waste and/or plastic:
– only have one car
– cloth diaper
– compost
– pack your own travel food
– Buy second-hand! Not only does this solve the fair-trade issue, but it reduces waste and saves you money.
– We buy books second-hand, too! We love abebooks, book depository, and alibris.
– Reuse ziploc bags and plastic cartons – with caution. If they are breaking down, I throw them out. But for freezing chicken bones until I have enough for stock, whole loaves of bread, cooled beans, etc. I use them multiple times.
– I am moving towards freezing beans in Mason jars. But I’ve had liquids burst jars so am cautious.
– Often plastic-free options cost more upfront, but they last longer, especially with kids.
– There are so many things you can do; it’s overwhelming. Here we can get local chicken, eggs, beef, veggies – but last year chose to do one thing all the way and got our eggs from a farm down the road from church. So look at your budget and time and choose one or two things if you can or want to… and don’t worry about the rest. Freezing without plastic and buying things pre-packaged (ie, yogurt, sour cream) are things I want to think more about… but not raise my stress levels about! I’m interested in these.

Stuff we love:
– Plastic-free kids:  They use regular plates and silverware — silicone lids **– 10 oz stainless steel cupsshort stainless steel straws u conserve containers (I found these second hand for $1 a set!) – klean canteen water bottle or sippy cuppouches
snapware for Ezra’s lunches – not plastic-free, but reusable and mostly glass. For sandwiches we use homemade beeswrap.
– we also use beeswrap and silicone lids in place of plastic wrap.
– travel mugs. Neither of ours are plastic free, but mine is s’ip by s’well, and there is very little plastic.
– Reusable produce, bulk bags, and grocery bags. These make my life so much easier as I don’t have to go searching around the store for where the bags are located and I don’t have trouble opening them.
– wood or bamboo cutting boards

**some info on silicone… better than most plastics but still not ideal

Quotables, 2023


“Snowmans have red beaks instead of mouths.”

“hellcats” – hub caps

For S’s birthday I’m going to give her my boogers to put in her nose.

All other ground is stinking sand/sound.

I’m going to eat your whole cake and then throw it up so you can eat it.

If you go in the dishwasher you get baptized.

Did you go on your uncle or did you go with grandma?

Blackberry scrambles

Stummyache

Midknives

Do you know what lost means? It means that God will find you.

God made blue, but I’m not sure what God’s favorite color is.

Baby, it’s your birthday, but not today!

I do bad things, but I don’t sin, because I don’t die.

“Jesus is the Lamb of God.”
“Remember that? That’s in Jingle Bells.”

“I’m an ice cream man that got wounded in battle and now I’m at the doctor.”

Papingos, Pamenguins (both = flamingos)

Affendix (appendix)

earwigs (earwax)

Bulletin (bullets)

Papa has the book of Proverbs too, now it’s called Matthew.

Will have twins named “Jester Friend and Lady Barn”

Good grief, baby!

I put them in there so bad guys can’t wear them if their feet are the same size as mine.

Then I’m going to go and snuggle myself!

If There is a Next Time

(2018. I can say that there was a next time, in 2019, and all of this helped, though I still had PMADs)

The what-I-would-do-differently if PPD comes again based on what I’ve learned, knowing that, as before, truth may not help in the moment, but I still need to be putting it in front of me (not any sort of announcement; I’m not pregnant). Some of this is easily doable, other parts are things that I can strive for but are ultimately out of my control.

• I will talk openly with my midwife and anyone else on my support team about what has happened before and make a plan with them ahead of time.
• I won’t give it time to clear up on its own or for difficult circumstances to pass before I get help.

• likewise, I will process emotions instead of ignoring them.

• I will get baby a bedtime ASAP if I need that time and space back (we had tried and tried with E and she wasn’t ready and then we couldn’t try while all in one room and it was awful).
• I will read a Psalm every day, even if I can’t connect with anything in it.
• I will allow myself to mourn any changes that make me sad instead of just pushing through them or resenting them.
• I won’t try to stave off PPD by pushing it away, but by really dealing with the thoughts and bringing them to Him.
• I will try to find things I love about the newborn stage, things that are unique this baby’s personality.
• I will guard my time and healing beyond the first six weeks, and nap with baby as long as I am able.
• I will assume the first 6 months will just be difficult and crazy.
• I will eat nutrient dense foods as much as possible.
• I will remind myself of the purpose of suffering, the sovereignty and goodness of God.
• I will strive to submit myself to His way instead of clamoring for my own.
• I will see PPD as a gift, not as punishment, but as God’s redemptive work in my life to free me from my sin.
• I will log out of social media so I can focus on what matters.
• I will find (small) ways to serve (like prayer, pumping to donate), and use my PPD for good (sharing my story has brought so much healing, closure, and clarity). Isaiah 58:9-11.
• I will look beyond the here and now to eternity secure in His presence. “An endless day of joy is coming and nothing can avert its dawning.” (Elyse Fitzpatrick, page 91, Because He Loves Me)
• I will not neglect the spiritual disciplines of prayer, memorization, being in the Word, gathering with the church, etc. “We look for the Spirit in the extra-ordinary when God has promised to be with us in the ordinary.” “Spiritual disciplines are conduits of the Spirit’s transforming grace.” (quoted from James K.A. Smith’s You Are What You Love)

My greatest prayer is that if it comes again, He will give me the faith and trust in Him to surrender to Him and what He is doing instead of trying to fight my way out, that by His grace I will accept the cross as a gift, and see how He is transforming it.