(2018. I can say that there was a next time, in 2019, and all of this helped, though I still had PMADs)
The what-I-would-do-differently if PPD comes again based on what I’ve learned, knowing that, as before, truth may not help in the moment, but I still need to be putting it in front of me (not any sort of announcement; I’m not pregnant). Some of this is easily doable, other parts are things that I can strive for but are ultimately out of my control.
• I will talk openly with my midwife and anyone else on my support team about what has happened before and make a plan with them ahead of time.
• I won’t give it time to clear up on its own or for difficult circumstances to pass before I get help.
• likewise, I will process emotions instead of ignoring them.
• I will get baby a bedtime ASAP if I need that time and space back (we had tried and tried with E and she wasn’t ready and then we couldn’t try while all in one room and it was awful).
• I will read a Psalm every day, even if I can’t connect with anything in it.
• I will allow myself to mourn any changes that make me sad instead of just pushing through them or resenting them.
• I won’t try to stave off PPD by pushing it away, but by really dealing with the thoughts and bringing them to Him.
• I will try to find things I love about the newborn stage, things that are unique this baby’s personality.
• I will guard my time and healing beyond the first six weeks, and nap with baby as long as I am able.
• I will assume the first 6 months will just be difficult and crazy.
• I will eat nutrient dense foods as much as possible.
• I will remind myself of the purpose of suffering, the sovereignty and goodness of God.
• I will strive to submit myself to His way instead of clamoring for my own.
• I will see PPD as a gift, not as punishment, but as God’s redemptive work in my life to free me from my sin.
• I will log out of social media so I can focus on what matters.
• I will find (small) ways to serve (like prayer, pumping to donate), and use my PPD for good (sharing my story has brought so much healing, closure, and clarity). Isaiah 58:9-11.
• I will look beyond the here and now to eternity secure in His presence. “An endless day of joy is coming and nothing can avert its dawning.” (Elyse Fitzpatrick, page 91, Because He Loves Me)
• I will not neglect the spiritual disciplines of prayer, memorization, being in the Word, gathering with the church, etc. “We look for the Spirit in the extra-ordinary when God has promised to be with us in the ordinary.” “Spiritual disciplines are conduits of the Spirit’s transforming grace.” (quoted from James K.A. Smith’s You Are What You Love)
My greatest prayer is that if it comes again, He will give me the faith and trust in Him to surrender to Him and what He is doing instead of trying to fight my way out, that by His grace I will accept the cross as a gift, and see how He is transforming it.
Kyleigh Dunn 