Moms Group Resource List

This is a list of books that have been helpful to our family as we seek to raise our children in the Lord. It is specific to topics we usually cover at our moms’ group (which is why I put this together!), but if you want book recommendations on a specific topic (ie holidays, biography, suffering, what the Bible says about women, etc.) for adults or children, or quality children’s fiction, or if you want to ask if a certain book is any good, drop me an email – smileykyleigh.dunn (at) gmail.com – I can talk about books all day and love connecting people with good books! It’s easy as moms to get sucked into only reading in a narrow field of books, but I would encourage you to branch out and read widely on a variety of topics and to seek out deep, Bible-based books on the challenges in your life (as well as finding lighter books to encourage you and give your soul rest!).

Where to purchase: Amazon has all of these books, but if you care about not feeding the Amazon giant or supporting Christian businesses look for them through Christian Book Distributors, Grace and Truth Books, and Westminster Books. I have linked all of them, but that doesn’t mean that the link is the only place that carries it.

If you want this in PDF form, with pictures of the different books, leave a comment and I will get it to you!
Also, please share your favorite books!

For Kids

Good News for Little Hearts series: these are put out by the Christian Counseling & Education Foundation. They are helpful for discussions with our kids about things like anger, failure, fear, etc. (I feel like they could use a better editor, but we have still found them very useful and helpful!)

Tales That Tell the Truth series: Most of these are Bible stories that are then related to Jesus or drawing out a theme that goes across the whole Bible, but God’s Very Good Idea is about differences (ie race, special needs, etc). We love some of them more than others but they’re all very good. The three pictured are our favorites!

The Ology (Machowski). This is a Bible overview that takes a more theological tack and discusses things like the Holy Spirit, baptism, etc.

New City Catechism (a newly-written catechism with two levels. Very helpful for answering kids’ questions or for them to memorize!)

Love Made (Quina Aragon). About creation and the Trinity, especially addressing why God made the world. It’s a beautiful book. It ends with talking about how our children, like the world, are made from an overflow of love. (Negative reviewers complain that because of this it isn’t great for adopted kids, though).

God Made All of Me (Justin and Lindsay Holcomb). Great book for teaching body autonomy/personal safety for young kids, and in a way that does not turn parts of the body into “dirty” parts.
*There are others in this series I haven’t read that deal with race, gender, and disability. They all look very good and based on who the authors are I feel like I can recommend them safely.

Good Pictures, Bad Pictures (Kristen Jenson). About pornography. They have two levels of this, one that is a picture book good for kindergarteners, and one for elementary school. Like God Made All of Me, it’s unfortunate we have to have these conversations, but we do need to have them proactively if possible.

The Story of Me (Stan and Brenna Jones). This is the first in the God’s Design for Sex series. I have not read the others but we like this intro. It is written from a young boy’s perspective, so with girls we do have to change a bit, but we really like it.
*I have also heard good things about the Pure Foundations series by Jim Burns.

What Every Child Should Know About Prayer (Nancy Guthrie)
Everything a Child Should Know About God (Kenneth Taylor) – a simpler book like The Ology
 Everyone a Child Should Know (Clare Heathe-Whyte)
*I have not actually read these three but have browsed their previews on Amazon and they look superb.

Big Thoughts for Little Thinkers (Joey Allen). Helpful books for explaining the gospel and the trinity to kids – we haven’t read the other two but I’m sure they’re good based on the others.

The Emblems of the Infinite King (Ryan Lister). A beautiful, convicting, thought-provoking systematic theology for kids (and adults!). Aimed at 8+ but beneficial for all.

Children’s Bibles:

Preschool and Kindergarten: The Big Picture Storybook Bible (David Helm)

Early Elementary: The Child’s Story Bible (Catherine Vos, for a more detailed Bible)
The Biggest Story (Kevin DeYoung, for an overview – there are only 10 chapters)

For Such a Time as This (Angie Smith. Stories of women in the Bible)

Note: The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones is very popular, but our opinion of it is rather unpopular. We have found it to be very wordy and theologically skewed towards ignoring the justice of God/punishment for sin. That said, it has lots of good components as well, especially helping kids see how the Bible is not a moralistic handbook but a Story about Jesus coming to save us.

For Mom

Marriage

When Sinners Say “I Do” (Dave Harvey). Provides an understanding of sanctification in marriage, the “life-transforming power of the gospel in the unpredictable journey of marriage.” Very practical in daily life.

This Momentary Marriage (John Piper). Focused more on the purpose of marriage, but also more in-depth than Harvey’s book, and goes more into roles, having children, and covenant.

Marriage and Money (Matt Bell). A practical, detailed book for getting on the same page financially as your spouse and getting your finances in order.

Intimate Issues (Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus). “21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex.”

The Meaning of Marriage (Tim and Kathy Keller) I have heard good things about but not personally read.

Parenting

Parenting (Paul Tripp). A big-picture parenting strategy, especially good to see what our role as a parent really is. There is lots of repetition, but in a good way if reading it slowly, because there is SO much good it’s overwhelming. My favorite quote: “If your eyes ever see and your ears ever hear the sin, weakness, and failure of your children, it is never a hassle, never an interruption, never an accident; it is always grace. God loves your children and has put them in a family of faith, and he will reveal the need of their hearts to you so that you can be his tool of rescue and transformation.”

The Mission of Motherhood (Sally Clarkson). This is so encouraging as to what our roles as mothers are and how important it is, but also provides a lot of help for areas we may want to grow in – serving, discipling, teaching – while also enriching their lives and our homes.

Desperate (Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson). But for all the nice, lofty ideals of motherhood, we know that daily life is often a lot more desperate! And this book is for the difficult parts of motherhood – selfishness, lack of training, the housework beast!

Risen Motherhood (Laura Wifler an Emily Jensen). Applying the good news of the gospel to the difficulties of motherhood: birth, body image, food choices, traditions, self care, and lots of other things.

Spiritual Growth

Women of the Word (Jen Wilkin). This is a great book to increase your love for and understanding of the Bible.

Even Better Than Eden (Nancy Guthrie). I have not read this book specifically, but it is a more personal, applicable introduction to biblical theology, which is really just fancy for the story of the God’s work to redeem His people. Even just dipping your toes in biblical theology will change the way you read Scripture!

Gospel Treason (Brad Bigney). Don’t read this book unless you are ready to do a lot of deep heart-work and have your life changed as your driving desires are revealed and you see where you are worshiping things other than God. I cannot recommend this book enough.
(For a more specific, less in-depth discussion of heart idolatry, check out Idols of a Mother’s Heart by Christina Fox or Humble Roots by Hannah Anderson)

12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You (Tony Reinke). Another book that is “hard” to read because of how much it will convict you and make you desire to change – but also help you change! If you struggle with using your smartphone or even computer too much this is a must-read.

Mama Bear Apologetics (Hillary Morgan Ferrer). I have not read this one either, but have heard great things about it and it’s a more relatable angle on a topic that can be very dry and hard to get into as moms (especially of young kids!).
*For a deeper look at some of the cultural issues we face today, check out Total Truth by Nancy Pearcey.

Because He Loves Me (Elyse Fitzpatrick). If you want to understand more of what the gospel means and how it applies to your life, please read this book! It was life-changing for me in my understanding of how deeply sinful I am, and yet how much God loves me because of Jesus.

Stop Calling Me Beautiful (Phylicia Masonheimer). “how to pursue the truths of who God is and who you are in relationship to Him; how to study Scripture, and how your view of God determines how you face life’s challenges; how legalism, shallow theology, and false teaching keep you from living boldly as a woman of the Word; how to experience God’s presence in painful circumstances.” (I have yet to read this one but follow her on social media and love her podcast, especially what she has to say about anxiety and Bible study).

Devotional/Bible Study

A lot of women’s devotionals are not based solidly in Scriptural truth and are aimed to make us feel good rather than know God more, but these are ones I have found theologically sound and spiritually edifying.

Real Change (edited by David Powlison). A Bible study looking at how sin is uprooted in our lives and replaced with fruit of the Spirit.

Walking with God in the Season of Motherhood (Melissa B. Kruger). An eleven-week Bible study that offers both encouragement and growth for mothers.

Beholding and Becoming (Ruth Chou Simons). A beautifully illustrated, Scripture-filled devotional. It isn’t geared towards motherhood, but there is a lot about being faithful in the mundane and it is so good!

Foundations (Troy and Ruth Simons) “Foundations will help you direct your family one day at a time as you explore 12 key truths that will help connect your children’s hearts—and yours—to the heart of God. With a simple, chapter-a-day format that includes Scripture, devotional thoughts, meditations, and discussion questions, this book will guide you in leading your family.” (Blurb from their website. I haven’t read this one but it sounds very good and I trust the authors!)

Mom Enough (edited by Desiring God). A collection of short articles from the Desiring God website. Encouraging, challenging, and great to pick up for small moments.

Treasuring Christ When Your Hands are Full (Gloria Furman). Helping you pursue a “vibrant relationship with God” in the midst of busyness. Somewhat longer than in Mom Enough, but very refreshing.

Online:

– Risen Motherhood (Blog & podcast) www.risenmotherhood.com
– Fierce Marriage (podcast) www.fiercemarriage.com
– Faithful Life (Club31 Women – blog & podcast) https://club31women.com/category/podcast/
– Phylicia Masonheimer (blog & podcast) https://phyliciamasonheimer.com/

Considerations for Emergency Preparedness

I don’t always understand why Pinterest shows me some things. But I was glad when they showed me a pin for emergency kits, because it reminded me that that was something I had done in San Diego and in Japan but had failed to restock when we moved back to the US.
There’s info about emergency kits all over the place, and even ways to order a full kit. But partway through stocking them this time, I looked at the list and thought “this is just too much.” My next thought was “if we really ever need it, though, it would be worth it… but will we ever need it?”

That led to considering what our risks here actually are and what we need to be prepared for – which is where I should have started to begin with. So if you don’t have an emergency kit yet but are thinking of putting one together, here are some considerations.

1. What are the risks in your area?
There are many kinds of natural disasters to worry about, but depending on where you are you may not have to be concerned with them. We don’t really have to worry about tornadoes here (and not just because we live in a basement!) – but if we did, stocking a kit for a tornado vs an earthquake may have some differences. It also depends on what you usually keep on hand. I buy and cook a lot in bulk, so we could easily grab oats, bread, and beans with a moment’s notice. We also have a Berkey water filter that can help with water in emergencies.

This is why I ultimately decided NOT to include things like changes of clothes or toys in our kits (also, there’s a difference between survival and comfort… obviously having games or books for the kids would be nice. But I don’t really care if they’re bored if we’re alive). We are not in areas that have concern for wildfires or tsunamis, the two things I can think of that would require evacuation on a moment’s notice. I may throw a few clothes into our bin during wildfire season just in case because they are close enough to cause air pollution, but we would have notice were it to start coming closer.
All that to say, you may not need everything on the lists where you are.

2. What information do you need to have ready?
I realized after our car accident that I didn’t know off the top of my head what hospitals were in network. In some circumstances, I wouldn’t care – whatever is closest is sometimes necessary. But now I keep a list on my notes app on my phone and a list in my wallet of what hospitals and urgent cares are in network.

Also important is an idea of where to go for different emergencies. Do you have family or friends out of the danger zone you could go to (this will also help determine what to put in your kits)? Do you have their addresses and contact info readily available?

Finally, personal and family information. I have information on my lock screen about an enzyme deficiency and my blood type (here’s how to do that on android). I also have laminated cards in the diaper bag that have a family photo and the girls’ info, that I would secure to them if we evacuated and there was risk of separation. It has age information, blood type, emergency contacts, allergies, etc.

3. What can you do now?
Especially with the longer lists, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the number of items, finding a place to store things, and the expense of building a kit.
Start with what you have and work on it little by little. Something is better than nothing. I took the $20 leftover at the end of last month’s grocery budget and bought some granola bars, water, tylonel, and cans of food to stock what we didn’t already have from previous kits.
Something is better than nothing.

4. Duties are ours, events are God’s.
The heading there is a Samuel Rutherford quote that is helpful to me in moments of anxiety about safety. YES, we should prepare, childproof, buckle seatbelts, etc., but ultimately our safety is in God’s hands, not in our being extra-prepared or extra-cautious. Nor does it do any good to worry about future events. But it is reassuring to know that we have some preparation (though that’s not where our trust is) so that after the fact we won’t say “if only” (though I’m sure in hindsight there would be things we would have done differently).
So I am thankful that it all rests in God’s hands – and a part of that for us has been random Pinterest posts about emergency kits.

A few links:
*A basic emergency kit list.
*A much more extensive list that feels over the top for our situation, but is VERY comprehensive and helps make sure you’ve thought of everything, even if you don’t put it in or put it on your grab list.
*Emergency preparedness for earthquakes.
*I haven’t looked into “the big one” a whole lot, but this is about a possible large earthquake hitting the West Coast. Because of this we did get a strap for the water heater and I did rearrange or resecure a few things (and may add command strips to what’s hanging above the girls’ beds).

What are your thoughts on emergency kits? Do you or have you had one? Are there items you think necessary that most people forget about? (Or do you think they’re a waste of time? ;))

Additional thoughts, from my father:
Parents need to be reminded of the importance of designating guardians in their will, and thinking beyond “what will family member’s think?” to the raising of their children.

Husbands often maintain bank accounts, handle finances, and are alone aware of essential documents and even employer benefits which would be necessary in the event of their severe illness or death. In the even more tragic or unlikely event of the death of both a husband and wife, others would be left with the handling of the disposition of our property. Out of love for our wives or family/friends left with such a tragic task, wives should be oriented to what would need to be done, and a friend or family member could be left with a “Open in case of Disaster” envelope.
· Document locations: Will, insurance policies, pensions.
· Information on employer benefits, Survivor Benefits, Life Insurance
· Bank accounts, property, and investments
· Passwords for accounts.
· Arrangements for interment (location, means)
· Preferences regarding funeral/memorial
· Family members who may be able to help
Note: disposition of deceased’s property and execution of will can commence only after a death certificate is obtained.

Wonder and Grief in Genealogy

(some of my ancestors)

I remember making family trees as a child. I loved knowing where we were from, the names of my ancestors, and what life was like in previous generations. Being Irish and coming from Prussia in the mid-1800s was treasured information and made me feel important.
My interest in family history remained, and I dabbled in it off and on, but never dug deeper, only going off of information we already had. My great uncles had both done a significant amount of research, so there was comfort in just knowing it was “there.” But after one of them passed away, I really wanted to do something with the information we had before more of it was lost. At the same time, I found out that Ezra’s family is related to Daniel Boone and has genealogy information going back to the 1400s. I wanted a way to pass all of that on to our girls and future generations, and not just the dates and places, but who these people were.

The project has grown far bigger than I expected it would. Thanks to websites like findagrave and Ancestry, I was able to easily dig farther back. I reached out to family members and was sent pictures and stories. I listened to recordings I had had but never gotten around to listening to, hearing the familiar yet faraway voices of my dad’s parents.
It’s become a bit of an obsession and taken hours and hours, but it’s been incredible. Moments of frustration and exhaustion, yes (especially in the 1700s when people had ten+ children!), though mostly wonder, overcome at times with intense grief.

I really don’t know who most of these people are. I don’t always even have a full name or birthdate. But sometimes I know their occupation, immigration, hobbies, or just a fragment of their life story. Or I can guess from the dates of their birth or death or marriage what was going on around them at the time and how it happened. I’m amazed at the lengths and stability of some marriages, and the numbers of children people had. I see names repeated across generations, and wonder if they were anything like the generations they were named after. And as I reduce my life and the lives of my living relatives to a series of dates and places, I wonder what others will think of us, and how I can communicate who we are to future generations. The dates can sometimes tell a story, but not all of it, and so I have wondered what all of theirs are.

That wondering has often led to grief. Some of the sad stories I already knew of, like an uncle and a cousin I never met or my cousin that passed away at 24, which is a sorrow not only untimely in its coming but also two years fresh, like my great Uncle’s homegoing. Many times I paused and cried, especially when photos revealed missing people. It’s helped me to process and mourn tragedies I otherwise wouldn’t have, or didn’t understand or fully process at the time they happened. It’s made me miss people who “should” still be here, and wonder what life would be like were they here, and what it was like for those closest to them. I’ve become aware of family members I didn’t know existed, like my father’s cousin, only twelve days older than him, who died at birth from an infection in the amniotic fluid. And in some cases, like that one, the dates have affected me as well: her life was the same day that E was born (years earlier, of course, and the date she was born in US-time). Writing the dates on these stories has made me wonder how I will tell my children these stories.
Other sorrows can only be guessed at, deaths during wars, in childhood or childbirth, divorces, addictions. It can be easy to brush over infant mortality long ago, because “that’s just what happened then.” But it was their baby, a life, an individual, not just dates on the page. The normalcy of it wouldn’t have made it any less painful.

I’ve wondered, and I’ve grieved, and as I take a break from working on it before diving back in to Ezra’s side, I’m amazed at how much I’ve done and yet how much is left to do. I’m thankful for the family we have, and for the time we spent together over the holidays. I’m thankful for God’s grace in where we are today – physically and spiritually. And I long for the day when many of us will be together with THE Father, as His children, in our forever home, where we will truly wonder and worship and every tear will be wiped away.

on the practical side of things: I used Tribal Pages to make the family tree, then ended up moving all of the information into a Word document as it was easier to input lots and lots of people that way since I didn’t have to input each sibling from generations ago individually and could also add photos. Then I penciled the family tree on paper (often without siblings except for more recent generations), and inked it. I got paper 11.75 x 36″ cut at FedEx, but in the end it was a huge hassle to deal with that as they had trouble copying, printing, and cutting more paper to the right size (and it wasn’t even the right size the first time), so I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing for future trees.

The Domestic Husband (Guest Post)

a guest post by Ezra, somewhat of a follow-on to my post about our daily routine

What should a husband’s responsibilities be in the home? One popular answer is that men and women should have (on average) equally difficult and equally lucrative jobs, and thus their responsibilities in the home should be equally divided. An opposite answer, which also comes from the world, involves the husband exercising selfish authority over his family, viewing his wife as the servant, and never considering assisting her in her domestic duties. Both of these are far from biblical. The second one involves the stronger selfishly abusing his power over the weaker in pursuit of worldly gain; the first merely insists on equality between them in the same selfish pursuit.

But assuming that a couple recognizes this, and wants to honor Jesus with how they manage domestic responsibilities, sorting out who does what in the home may still be difficult. In divine wisdom, God does not typically give us exact regulations for our particular life situation; rather, he gives us the precepts of holy living and the wisdom to work them out in a particular culture and family. This process of working out how to follow God’s law in a particular context glorifies God because it deepens our understanding of his law and thus him. This process should sanctify us, increase our worship, and bless those around us if we approach it rightly. Following are some biblical truths which have helped me sort out my domestic place as a husband:

1. The Bible gives no direct commands on this issue. It does not say, “Husbands, assume one third of the domestic duties in your home,” or anything close to this. It does not endorse a Leave it to Beaver style of family, or an ancient agrarian style, or any other particular brand. However, it does speak loudly about honoring the created differences between husband and wife in the practice of family.

2. Wives are to be workers at home (Titus 2:5). As with many verses, this one wisely gives a general principle instead of a specific application. Rather than try to define how much a woman can be away from her family, it simply gives her what is to be her primary role in the family economy: running the home. From this I understand that I don’t need to feel guilty when I come home and find that my wife has had a tough day with the kids. Sometimes I have the harder part, and sometimes she does.

3. Men are to lay down their lives for their wives like Jesus did (Ephesians 5). So what do I do when I come home and find that she had a hard day? The exact application varies, but generally, my heart toward her burden should be the same as Jesus’ heart toward mine. Can I take the kids for a while? Can I change a diaper? Can I wash the dishes? What does she hate doing most? What helps her to re-charge? Do I know her well enough to know how to help her rest? We don’t wash feet anymore in our culture. We “wash dishes and clean toilets” (John Stott, The Message of 1 Timothy and Titus). And we as Christian husbands should be quicker to do this than anyone else, considering the One we are supposed to be acting out.

Note also that what helps your wife most will vary with their personality and situation. Some will be best helped by you affirming how valiantly they have fought the good fight that day. Others would just be relieved if you take the kids outside while they are cooking dinner. Knowing your wife is key.

4.This kind of knowing happens about 1/4 by observation and 3/4 by communication. This means that in order to effectively practice loving your wife, you need to regularly ask her what would best help her. Everyone’s situation is different. I view dish washing as a Task. However, my wife is quicker at it than I am, and having been with the kids all day, would sometimes rather that I give them the bath or get them ready for bed while she cleans up from dinner.

5. Screen time can be unprofitable (1 Corinthians 6:12). It has become a “thing” in our culture for the man to have a designated time of day, typically right after work or right after dinner in which he focuses on TV, gaming, or the internet. While this is not explicitly sinful, it is usually not profitable either. Screen time is an escape, but it is not real rest, and it does not prepare a husband mentally or spiritually to serve his family. We need to deal honestly with screens and other escapes which may be robbing time from the families God gave us, and thus from God himself.

6. However, it is essential for both the husband and the wife to have time for prayer and the Word, and it may also be necessary for one or both to have additional time for themselves.These times are things that a husband and wife should plan with each other, being anxious to ensure that their spouse has the time and space for practicing spiritual disciplines and maintaining sanity. Until recently, for me this meant that I would disappear shortly after getting home from work, and then emerge for dinner. Now, I try to spend that time in the morning before breakfast. For Kyleigh, this has meant both time in the morning before she wakes up the girls, and also time during their afternoon naps. In addition, sometimes Kyleigh has needed to have a morning or afternoon to herself once or twice a month. These things will look different for each couple, and may change often. Again, loving communication is essential.

Now, a word of encouragement. I am really just learning all of this. I have been very convicted several times in the past two years about how selfish I have been in the economy of my family. I did not support my wife, especially in her postpartum depression, with anything like a consistent, Christ-like practice of love. I was often very selfish in my attitude toward her when her struggle sapped the energy from her which she would have used to be my wife. Yet, God used those times to teach me about serving my wife and about putting her needs first, including in helping with domestic work.

Then, at one point, while we were visiting one of Kyleigh’s relatives, that relative remarked very seriously on how good it was to see a husband involved with his family and not leaving the responsibility of the children all on his wife. I remarked that this was Christ’s work in me. A little sliver of the gospel.

But understand, it was a short visit and I hadn’t done anything big. I hadn’t broken up a big fight or heroically tackled a leaking diaper. I think the biggest thing I did was help my older daughter, a toddler, eat a small bowl of ice cream. But I was present, engaged, and mildly helpful, and this seemed remarkable to our host.

Brothers, the “traditional” model of family is often used as a cover-up by unbelieving husbands who would rather not serve their families much beyond delivering a pay check. Likewise, the secular egalitarian model is often lived out by men who, at best, grudgingly take up their 50.0000% of the domestic responsibilities (not a cent more!), and do not show their wives honor. And beyond this, our society is filled with families where the division of domestic responsibilities is a matter of selfishness rather than servanthood. Serve your wife from your heart, and the world will often take notice, to God’s glory.

Post Script: the principle here is that a husband should be involved in his family as both a leader and a servant. However, the risk is that in laying out this principle I may incur a false sense of guilt in some men. Consider: a man who works long, exhausting hours to put bread on the table for his family need not feel guilty when he has little energy or opportunity to serve them domestically. A man in graduate school (like me) need not feel guilty when his wife picks up chores that were his in order to give him more study time. Conversely, however, a man whose wife is sick or depressed, or for some other reason is particularly burdened or afflicted, may find that he needs to lay his life down for her in extra measure by taking all of the domestic responsibilities possible onto his plate.

“Normal”

Marriage. Moves. Birth. Babies. Time apart because of work. That sums up our last 4.5 years: 3 international moves in 3 years, 2 more local moves, two babies in 2 years, and countless days apart.
In our circles, all of these were seen as “normal.” This led to me ignoring a lot of negative feelings and a lack of grieving changes because they were seen as positive (or at least ordinary since everyone else’s spouse was gone, too).
But while marriage is a happy beginning, it also changes family relationships. It’s ok to be sad, too.
While moving is exciting, there’s sorrow over what’s left behind. Grieve that. It’s a lifechanging event that needs to be processed and drains emotional energy that needs to be replenished.
While birth is natural, it is a big, violent event, even in the most flawless birth. Don’t ignore the fear.
While babies are good, they’re also hard, and motherhood is formative. Mothers need to be mothered.
While for many couples time apart due to work is necessary, the difficulty of it can’t be ignored. Marriages and families apart need supporting, even if it happens across a whole community.

Normal does not mean ok. Normal does not mean difficulty will clear up on its own. Normal does not mean you can ignore negative feelings. Normal doesn’t mean you don’t get help.
Somehow I thought it did, which led to me shutting out a lot of emotions that should have been processed. It probably contributed to PPD, which in many ways was the floodgates of all the feelings I thought I was done with overwhelming me. But it forced us to deal with those things, and this time as we’ve moved it’s been my goal to not shut out what I feel, but to process it rightly. To cry when I need to… but not cry if I don’t need to. To offer my fears to God in prayer. To trust Him to provide and give me hinds’ feet to tread the mountain of making new friends for the fourth time in five years.
I don’t entirely know what “normal” means for us or in general. But I do know that whatever changes, there is always one “normal” that never does: the God who loves me, the God I love.

Words for 2017

As I look back on the last twelve months, three words seem to summarize the year for me – how I grew, what I learned, what characterized the year, how I will remember 2017. Much of the year I felt overwhelmed (in a good way) by things I was learning and ways I was growing, but most of that really does boil down to these three things.

HEALING.
2016 ended with us in transit and fighting PPD. I knew there was a lot that needed to change – so much that I didn’t want to put any sort of time frame on it, so I never said “2017 will be a year of healing” because I knew that it could be much longer than a year before I felt whole again.
But God not only healed the PPD but also so much more as He worked in me as a wife and mother, and brought to light sin that needed to be worked through and emotions from the last four years that I had swept aside instead of processing – mostly to do with all of our moves and the sadness of saying goodbye to so many people and communities in such a short time.
A lot of this healing came through prayer, the Psalms, and replacing lies with the Truth.

REST.
This started as rest connected with healing – clearing the schedule to simplify life and leave breathing room for lack of stress and to spend more time together now that Ezra’s schedule gives him more time off.  I had to learn first that having nothing to do is OK – I often found myself puttering around trying to find things to do instead of picking up a book or playing with the girls because having more to do than I was able had become so habitual after E was born.
At the same time, I’m now a lot better about sensing that there is too much on my to-do list and being willing to drop things or let them take longer – loving my children is more important than being on time or getting everything done, and better a late dinner in love than on time with biting words. I realized a lot of ideals from myself or society that I was focusing on instead of what my job as wife and mommy are according to God.

But it was also realizing that rest isn’t the same as an empty schedule, but is relinquishing control and letting God be God – resting from worrying about things, over-planning, micro-managing, etc.  – and so there can be rest even when the calendar is full.
This came up again and again in books I was reading – mostly Humble Roots and None Like Him, but also Teaching From Rest and Parenting (Tripp) – resting not in the successes or abilities of me or my children but in the One who sent me, admitting how often I try to be God despite not being omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, etc, not worrying about how things will work out in the future but trusting God and being faithful now.

FAITH.
“Looking to Jesus” has been on my mind since before E was born, but it came up again and again as I was memorizing Hebrews 12, doing the Behold  Your God study, and reading various books and kept connecting what I was struggling with to a solution of looking to God for satisfaction.
But before that could happen God had to work in my heart to bring me to trust Him again after a season of depression where it often seemed like He was turning away from my cries. Joni’s story helped much with that – faith not in my ability to accept PPD but to embrace Christ because of my problems – and a quote from Tripp’s Parenting book: “Biblical faith never asks you to deny reality, it calls you to look at your realities through the lens of the awesome glory and grace of your Redeemer.”

Then I was able to begin to learn what it talks about in 12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You:
“As faithful eyes perceive the unseen glories of God and reborn hearts embrace them, all the visible glories of God in the world seem to thicken in substance. The more eagerly we embrace God, the more gratitude we express for His created gifts for us and the more clearly we begin to discern the sinful distortions and the hollow promises of free sin.”
– Tony Reinke (page 140)

Faith, looking not at the seen of social media’s pull, daily trials, fears of future PPD, but instead looking to Jesus, my Savior.

I suppose in the end all 3 things come down to letting God be God and not trying to do His job myself, but rejoice and rest in His care and power.

Saying those words characterized 2017 doesn’t mean that I have those things down, far from it! I expect 2018 will be a continuation of those three things and growth in many other areas as well.

On a more practical note, 2017 introduced me to crafting with felt, transformed my bread-baking (Thanks Laurel’s Kitchen and Peter Reinhart), and included 11 Ferling etudes and doing music for church twice a month.

Thoughts on Convictions – 2

In the first post in this series I explained that while the Bible speaks clearly about how we should live, there is often freedom to apply its commands in various ways. In these second two posts I hope to give some examples of how this works. These ideas can be applied to many different biblical commands, but my intent here is to examine some of the bigger issues in conservative Christianity.

Education
                There is a clear command in Ephesians 6 for parents to raise their children in the Lord. Many take this to mean that the only form of education is homeschooling. This is supported by Deuteronomy 6, where parents are told to speak to their children of God’s laws when you rise up, when you lie down, when you walk by the way, etc.  Homeschooling certainly makes obeying those commands easier, especially with younger children who don’t yet have the discernment to sort right from wrong in a secular teaching environment.[1]
But I have seen families who homeschool neglect the spiritual teaching and even more, spiritual care of their children, and I have seen families who do not homeschool excel in raising their children in the Lord. Those families had to work extra-hard to disciple their children, but they most certainly did not neglect God’s commands in sending their children to private or public schools. Successes and failures aside, what really matters is not what worked for someone but what God says.
My understanding of those two commands (Deuteronomy 6 and Ephesians 6) is that the place of education isn’t as important as the interaction between parents and children at home. Discipling your children and homeschooling are not synonymous. Neither is simply doing family worship at the end of a school day, whether that day was at or away from home. It is teaching your children when you rise up (but you can be getting ready for school or studies at home), when you lie down, and when you walk by the way (whether that’s the car to and from school or up and down the stairs of your house).
We see homeschooling as the easiest and most practical way of doing that and so have chosen to homeschool, but believe making that the only valid option for Christians is beyond the teaching of scripture.

                Post-high school education is often hotly debated. This is an area that I don’t believe there are commands in the Bible that directly apply. However, there is teaching on the company you keep, making wise choices, and the calling of God.

We don’t see college as the only or even best route, but one of many. What is most important is receiving what you need to fulfill any calling or passion God has given you – that might mean internship, trade school, online courses, college, or simply reading and studying this and that on your own. This goes for daughters AND sons. The aforementioned callings and passions should be shaped and checked by scripture (for example, only men are to be leaders in the church, so if a daughter aspires to that she must re-think her desires). First, one must study the Bible to determine what a Christian is to do and be, and then what a man or a woman is to do and be, and finally what they personally should do and be with the giftings God has given them. From there one can determine what the wisest route is – and that is never sitting idly at home!
Because of the above, I don’t believe a daughter must stay at home, but I do believe that after careful study of biblical commands to women, it would likely be the wisest route in order to prepare for the future. I do not see a career as being the norm for a woman; see “women working” below.

 

Youth group
                As with education, the clear command of scripture is for parents to raise their children in the Lord.
Does this mean others can’t be involved? No. But others should not take the place of parents in any way. There are definitely times when peers can gather and do peer stuff. Is it always wise? No. But should it be banned across the board or generalized as dividing the church into age-based factions? I don’t think so.

 

Women Working

“Older women… are to train the younger women to be… working at home.” Titus 2:3-5. (Other translations say “keepers of the home.” Strong’s concordance suggests that the Greek best translates into the idea of housekeeper.)
The understanding of this command does depend some on the variance in translations, as noted above. Because of that, some read this passage and believe that women may only work in and from the home. Others apply that only to a wife. And still others see the application as the keeping of the home being the woman’s first and primary duty, but once that is done she is free to work outside the home. Because of Proverbs 31, there is rarely any dispute over whether or not a woman may work from the home. The issue is not a woman generating income.

I tend to side with the latter two opinions, thus concluding that daughters have more freedom in this area (though living at home would perhaps be wisest, and if at home, any family duties must be fulfilled), and that there are times it is permissible for a wife to work outside the home.
Our view is that if a woman can still manage the home (which pre-baby could easily have been as little as 15 minutes of chores and an hour of cooking a day), working is not an issue (it should also be noted, however, that working from home can cause as much if not more of a distraction from wifely duties than working outside!). This means that it would most likely only be part time and not full-time or a long-term career. However, that doesn’t mean it’s the wisest use of her time.

Before we got married, Ezra and I decided that we were okay with me working part-time pre-kids if I wanted to. But his job is plenty to support us and we decided my time would be better used in other ways – like volunteering at the pregnancy center, writing, visiting people from church, etc. Not that it was wrong for me to work, but we saw that the better use of my time would be in these other ways that were more along the lines of how the women who were applauded in scripture spent their time. Also, just because you “can” do both on paper doesn’t mean it will play out that way. As a couple, you must consider what it really means to be a keeper at home, versus simply making dinner at the end of a long day.
I wrote about this more in 2012, and you can read that here.
I understand and have respect for more conservative views, especially considering the variance in the translation of the passage, but do not see it as an across-the-board rule.

Birth Control
                 The Bible does not say anything about birth control specifically, however, it does speak about how we should view children, the sovereignty of God, the sanctity of life, and also to issues of sin in our hearts. Some look at these teachings and conclude that using birth control is always sin, implying that if you don’t take “as many as God gives you,” then you’re not really seeing children as a blessing. Others believe we have freedom to use whatever birth control we choose as long as we still view children as a blessing. In the middle are people who would use only some forms of birth control, or only at certain times.
This is a complex issue that is often emotionally charged, personal, and has many facets.
                First, there is our mindset towards children. The Bible is clear that children are a blessing, can bring their parents great joy, and are like arrows in the hand of a warrior – “tools” for engaging our culture.
                Second, there is the sovereignty of God. God is in control of every area of our lives – which combined with point one say to me that the number and timing of children isn’t something for me to regulate. This is even more clear to me as I think about the timing of S’s conception and birth – with circumstances that were better than we would have chosen, but also ones we would not have chosen – yet still showing how God’s way is so much better than ours. To say “it’s just science” is to deny God’s hand in every day details of our lives, including the science of things like the rising and setting of the sun. It does not feel right to me to try to take control of that, nor does it ever seem to me like there is a “good time” to have a baby – babies are always work and life is always kind of crazy.
                Third, there is the sanctity of life. This applies to specific forms of birth control that can be considered abortifacients, and that therefore I believe are wrong for Christians to use. If after points 1, 2, and 4 are prayerfully considered a couple still chooses to delay or prevent children, there are other options to choose from that do not compromise life, some that could even be considered God’s design (ecological breastfeeding, Hosea 1:8). However, I think in most circumstances, after said prayerful consideration, the use of birth control will be excluded.
And fourth, there is sin in our own hearts. Ask yourself: why do I want to use birth control? It’s easy to want to wait for a better time, or a longer gap (side note: I do believe God can and does give us more than we can handle – but never more than HE can handle!), or to want to be done so you can focus on other things. Those are often complex and deep concerns that often belong to the couple (and sometimes their mentors) alone, but whenever steps are taken to prevent children we must check our hearts for sin, particularly selfishness. Selfishness can also show up in our ideals for what we want our children to have. Love is not measured by what things we can give them or activities they can do.

Within that framework, I know people who have chosen to use legitimate forms of birth control, particularly for health reasons (and I know people who have chosen to still forgo any birth control despite health risks – and both decisions were reached with much prayer), or in seasons of particular trial. Whatever the reasons, though, we must always check ourselves to make sure it’s not simply selfishness that leads our decision.

Whichever side we fall on, the decision seems to come from more general texts (Children are a blessing and God is sovereign) that combined with wisdom are lived out a certain way (If the above statements are true, are we really in a place to seek to prevent kids?).

On the other side of things, I don’t think it’s right for us to pry into others’ plans for children. I always felt that if people weren’t divulging that information, then that was their choice to keep it a private matter and that was completely fine. I think that someone in a mentorship position can and even should ask about that at times, especially if the couple is waiting to have children, to help check their motives.

I’ve also often found that behind the asking and/or the way it’s responded to, there’s usually an unspoken implication that they’re hoping you take the same position as them, which in our circumstances has been the mindset of leaving it up to God and it makes it awkward if that’s not what you’re doing.

But what clicked the other day was also that the way some people reply to pregnancy announcements (or ask if you are pregnant yet), implies that we really hope you are because it’s the best thing that can happen in/because of your marriage. I don’t mean by being annoyed at this that children aren’t a great blessing or that having them isn’t good for your marriage (the past months have been very good for our marriage, especially communication, and I think a fair amount of that is due ways we’ve grown because of S). But marriage is about WAY more than having children, and there are other blessings God gives as well.

 

[1] Unless a child has a clear profession of faith and fruit to match, we cannot claim they are a necessary “salt and light” in the secular schools.

Thoughts on Convictions – 1

In the last two years or so, I’ve thought often about convictions, particularly the way they play out in conservative circles. I was raised with a lot of books and CDs from “ultra-conservative” circles  and benefited from them. However, I often accepted the rationales given for their values without question,[1] and there was definitely a time when I was lock-step with most of their teachings. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I began wondering at some of what they said, so that I started studying to make sure that my thoughts were biblical and not just things that “sounded right” to me.

As a continuation of those thought processes, I re-read some of the books we own dealing with homeschooling, birth control, emotional purity, etc. I really started thinking about phrases being used and where they come from. Is guarding your heart really a biblical concept? Are we really supposed to “give our hearts to our fathers?” How “wrong” is youth group? How absolute is homeschooling? And what should a daughter do with her time? In the end, my convictions remained the same in their basic outworking, but my explanations for them changed. This was mostly due to one thing I kept seeing again and again as a pitfall in these circles: It seems that the clear commands of the Bible, such as parents discipling their children (Ephesians 6, Deuteronomy 6), are often blown out of proportion. Instead of acknowledging the freedom we have to apply such commands in different ways, the application itself becomes a further command: you must homeschool. This also happens in areas such as modesty, courtship, birth control, youth group, and women working outside the home.
I firmly believe that the Bible speaks to each of these issues. It is usually very easy to see exactly what God desires:  you shall not steal. You shall not commit adultery. Children, obey your parents. Flee sexual immorality. Parents, teach your children the ways of the Lord. However, as proved by the varied ways Bible-believing Christians apply the commands of scripture, it is clear that the simple commands of the Bible are not so simple to apply. The way a brief command interacts with culture is complicated. Sometimes, people use that to ignore commands of God, sweeping everything off of the table and saying nothing of those commands, refusing to consider the differences between our culture and what the Bible says. Other times, they make the commands to mean more than they are (as in the previous example of “bring [your children] up in the training and instruction of the Lord” becoming “homeschooling is the only form of education for the Christian family”).
There are many times when we have more freedom than some allow in the application of His commands. Things like homeschooling may be the wisest and most practical way to obey Him, but homeschooling is not the only way, nor is it a command from the Bible. It may be a right thing to do, but I believe it is the application of a law of God, not the law itself. I hope in the following posts to show examples of how this plays out in various issues. I hope by these examples to demonstrate that these things are important, but also delicate and require grace in the way we live them out.

[1] Despite my family’s use of the materials in a way that went to the Bible FIRST and applied any teaching with grace.

Modern-Day Heroes

It’s hard to move 19 months after you moved to a place. It’s even harder when that place is where you made your first home as a married couple, walked through your first pregnancy, and began the journey of parenthood – all supported and surrounded by loving people, who loved you when they barely knew you and didn’t relent in their loving when you were getting ready to leave.
It’s also hard to leave the first friends your baby had – the one that looks like her polar opposite with the ‘fro and chocolate skin, the one who handed down head bands and tries to play with her during church, the one people asked if they were twins – the blue-eyed fair-skinned blonde fall-babies of GBC.
As I think about leaving behind yet another place and another set of friends, I’m reminded yet again of what Eleven said in Doctor Who:
“We all change. When you think about it, we’re all different people all through our lives, and that’s okay, that’s good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this. Not one day. I swear. I will always remember when the Doctor was me.”
We may be leaving our home here, but we won’t ever forget the people we love here and everywhere. It’s hard to leave, but it’s easier when you remember that leaving doesn’t mean forgetting and starting life in a new place and enjoying it doesn’t negate how wonderful where you were before was.

As I look back on the last year and a half and the people we have had the privilege of knowing here, especially at church, I have thought a lot about the people who have taught me so much by their lives, from when I was a child through to today.
I keep thinking of a stanza from the Getty’s “O Church Arise” –
“As saints of old still line the way,
Retelling triumphs of His grace,
We hear their calls and hunger for the day
When, with Christ, we stand in glory.”

Some of those people I’m not in contact with much any more and we’ve grown apart. Others I have sporadic contact with but it’s the kind of friendship that we can just pick up where we left off. Most of the ones I write about below I don’t know that well but the way they live inspires me.
In “A Sacred Sorrow” Michael Card wrote,
“The deep things of the faith we learn less by didactic principle and more through people of faith and their simple stories. After all, the gospel is not a systematic/theological presentation to which we give assent or not in order to become “believers.” No, it is a story, which we enter into even as it enters into us. We, iint eh most real and literal sense, become characters in this ongoing incarnating of truth and of the gospel. Its story continues to be told in and through us, and along the way we begin to understand.
“I believe the same kind of incarnational process is at work in understanding lament. Eventually, when we are struggling to explain a difficult topic like prayer, faith, or perhaps servanthood, we resort to naming a person who incarnates that ideal. … When we seek to understand discipleship, we think of someone like Deitrich Bonhoeffer, not because of his book on the subject, but because his life and death validated everything he spoke about in his writings.”

I’ve found that the people I want to learn from most don’t have lessons they can teach you very well. The things I respect and love and want to emulate in them aren’t usually things they can tell you. They’re often lessons learned through trial. These people are often ships battered by many storms, yet coming out triumphant through the guidance of Christ.
There’s the woman at church who lost her husband to cancer soon after they remarried after they had divorced, and said “grieve, but don’t be downcast.” (Among so much other wisdom I can’t remember).
And another who shared wisdom on marriage (that also applies to parenting) – “He’s not irritating, I’m irritable.”
And the mother who commented that she had nothing to share about parenting, then said – “Jesus, help me! That’s my advice.”
And the one who stayed with her unbelieving husband, holding on through difficult times, and then God changed his heart.
And Amanda, who died of cancer a year ago, whose hope of heaven and joy in Christ was so beautiful to see as she shared her struggles with the church.
My cousin, Kristen, hanging on to life and finding joy in it through Christ despite long-term health issues.
My mother-in-love, who had to take care of new mothers just hours after giving birth to her fourth, braved homes with rats and lands with many poisonous snakes, and is such a wonderful example of godly marriage and parenting (as are my own mother and Mrs. C!).
Mrs. Y, who opened her home to me and gave of her time to let me come in and learn from her, the way they disciplined their kids with gospel, her joy in motherhood, openness in sharing things with me and letting me open up, choosing marriage and motherhood above a career.
The M’s – Mr. M who takes such care of his wife and has taught their sons to do the same, and in it all their use of their home for hospitality and evangelism. Mrs. M who digs down to the root of the issue and turns it so you can see it in the perspective of Christ, who so openly and clearly loves her husband, who has such a great strength from being steeled -yet also softened – in fire of trials where she had to let go and let the Lord work, and trust Him.

There’s M, who my dad discipled and endured persecution by co-workers for his new-found faith.
And my friends who lived in an Arab country filled with turmoil, staying for years after most others left even though it meant being “stuck” there and knowing every day could be their last. They were faithful during the trials, hard though days are with little water, gas, or electricity. These things they gave up and suffered for the gospel – because Christ and the souls of the lost Brothers are worth those hardships.
And two others who the world calls our enemies but who counted the cost yet had great joy in Him as their satisfaction and certainty in their faith in their Lord, a willingness to give their lives if necessary.
And another whose testimony I heard before I met him, how God saved him from a wild lifestyle. I met him and was immediately amazed at his humility, boldness, and intentionality. His favorite question to ask people is “What are you reading right now?” and he uses that to channel conversations to eternal things. He’s ready to be a martyr. He’s ‘planning’ on putting his life on the line in a place where Christianity is unknown – because he loves Christ and His glory so much more than life.

I think it’s people like this Hebrews has in mind when it says the world was not worthy of them.
What a privilege it has been to know each and every one of these, and many more, and some even greater that I just don’t have the words for because they’ve taught me so much (like our pastor’s wife, and my parents, and the C’s).
I’m excited to see who we meet in all of the places we live in the future and how God uses them in our lives.

“I saw what I saw and I can’t forget it
I heard what I heard and I can’t go back
I know what I know and I can’t deny it

Something on the road
Cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face, a memory
Your hope, a fire

Your courage asks me
What I’m afraid of
And what I know of love
And what I know of God.”
– I Saw What I Saw – Sara Groves

Current Events, the Church, and our Children

Sometimes I wonder what we’re doing having kids in today’s world. ISIS, Boko Haram, other terrorists. Our country spiraling down. Natural disasters. Violence in malls and movie theaters.
I want to protect any children we have from being affected by any of that, and I want to protect their hearts from being drawn to it, as I know is possible with the depravity of all human hearts. It’s terrifying whenever I think about it.

But in the midst of all the brokenness, it has been amazing to see the opportunities the church has to help and to see the church begin to step up to help.
Our church has been taking part in weekly protests at Planned Parenthood – and some have had opportunities to talk to those seeking PP’s services, and members also engage in weekly evangelism at a large, nearby park. We recently took food to a hurting neighbor next door, and Ezra has been able to talk and pray with him some. WORLD Magazine reports on a lot of the devastation in the world, but they also highlight many ministries that are helping people all over the world.
Caring for the poor, broken, and needy is not the job of the government, but of the church. Not in the sense of church programs, but in the body of Christ stepping up to the plate and working in the world around us.

As I paired these stories – though they’re not stories, they’re real life – with my struggle as we think about bringing more little sinners into this world, I was reminded of a phrase I heard John Piper say in a clip on birth control a few years ago.

“…Because the kids I’m going to raise are going to lift a million burdens.”

You Christian, you’ve got to believe that bringing kids into the world and being brought up in the Lord makes them burden lifters, not burden adders. They are in the world to lift the world, to save the world, to love the world.

You’re not just adding dead weight to the world when you bring a child up in the kingdom. You’re bringing up lovers of people and servants of the world.”

While what our children become is ultimately in God’s hands and not ours, it is my prayer and desire that our children – however many we have – will be children of change. That they will be men and women that will join with the body of Christ in showing His compassion to the sheep without a shepherd and rescuing those headed for destruction. That they alongside us will bring others to Christ and lift their burdens.
The world around us may keep spiraling down, but rather than cause for throwing up our hands in despair, it is opportunity for us to get in the trenches and come alongside both the hurting and the wicked with the hope we have in Christ.

O church, arise and put your armor on;
Hear the call of Christ our captain;
For now the weak can say that they are strong
In the strength that God has given.
With shield of faith and belt of truth
We’ll stand against the devil’s lies;
An army bold whose battle cry is “Love!”
Reaching out to those in darkness.

Our call to war, to love the captive soul,
But to rage against the captor;
And with the sword that makes the wounded whole
We will fight with faith and valor.
When faced with trials on ev’ry side,
We know the outcome is secure,
And Christ will have the prize for which He died—
An inheritance of nations.

Come, see the cross where love and mercy meet,
As the Son of God is stricken;
Then see His foes lie crushed beneath His feet,
For the Conqueror has risen!
And as the stone is rolled away,
And Christ emerges from the grave,
This vict’ry march continues till the day
Ev’ry eye and heart shall see Him.

So Spirit, come, put strength in ev’ry stride,
Give grace for ev’ry hurdle,
That we may run with faith to win the prize
Of a servant good and faithful.
As saints of old still line the way,
Retelling triumphs of His grace,
We hear their calls and hunger for the day
When, with Christ, we stand in glory.
– O Church Arise, Getty