A Prayer For Nights With a Newborn

Our Father,
We come to our beds, laying down this infant and receiving your gift of sleep.
We confess our sins: our anger towards your image-bearers, our inward-focus, our grasping for control. We ask for forgiveness.

We admit our need for rest, laying aside what is undone to receive the pattern of rest you have provided. We acknowledge that our work here will never be finished, yet we cease from it knowing the work of Christ to save is work that will be completed in us, His workmanship.
We ask, as we seek relief from our weariness, that you provide us with our needful rest so that tomorrow we may walk in your ways as we live what you have prepared for us. We ask for compassion towards one another and our infant in the long hours of the night, and joyful acceptance of whatever you bring to us in the dark and in the light. Guard our hearts and minds in the wakeful hours of the night that we may not worry or despair, but have your peace in our sleepless state.

As in sleep we cease our vigilance, so also we relinquish control, entrusting ourselves to your ever-watchful care. We praise you for every breath of this day and your protection of us in it. Guard this fragile infant that you have entrusted to us. We pray that one day s/he may come to know the true, lasting rest of Christ’s salvation, as now we embrace the temporary, fleeting minutes you provide for us tonight.

Amen.

Freezer Food for #3

I’m writing this post at 33 weeks pregnant, and our freezer is stuffed and so is my shelf in my in-law’s huge freezer in the garage. At this point in time I’m not sure if I have over-planned or not. I’ll update this post later for how long it lasted us – us being 2 adults with larger appetites and 2 kids (3 and almost 5 when baby will be born) who also eat a lot.
It’s also interesting comparing this to what I froze previously. With S I didn’t freeze a whole lot and didn’t even end up using all of it (I gave some of it away because I couldn’t eat the gluten or dairy because they seemed to bother S). However, most of Ezra’s food didn’t come from home at that point. With E, I was cautious not to freeze too much because we were moving when she was 2.5 months old. We also only had the freezer on top of our fridge so that limited what I could freeze. But we ate all of it!
This time, I know the amount of food the girls eat can be overwhelming even without a newborn, so I’ve erred on the side of over-freezing, knowing we’ll get to it eventually.

The other big difference is the food we like seems to change a lot in three years! I was trying to be more intentional in only freezing what’s in my “ideal” postpartum diet – though there are more bread/muffin items than would be ideal, but some of that is for the kids and some for enjoyment.

This time also did most of the cooking in a span of 2 weeks, instead of doing 1-2 things over 12 weeks. I recommend either doing it all in a 2-3 day block on a weekend/with childcare, or doing it slowly. That’s just how it worked out this time and it was easier for my brain to do it closer together instead of over time, but it stretched out too long and was really exhausting – worth it, though!

Cost: I bought about $200 worth of groceries specifically for freezer meals, and then with pantry items we already had and the pantry items it probably added another $100. I kept track of it because in the past I’ve felt like we never ended up evening out the budget on the other side – so we shall see this time!
Update: We were $250 under budget at the end of December, when we ate our last freezer meal. So that came out fairly evenly, especially when considering that we ended up not cloth diapering for most of that time so wwre spending more on diapers than expected, and I was still using pantry stockpiles in January.

So here’s what we froze!
– 3 loaves of sliced sandwich bread (recipe from Laurel’s Bread Book)
– 3 loaves halved sourdough bread
– 9 Sourdough bagels
– 24 Groaning cake muffins (used applesauce instead of honey to sweeten)
– apple pie breakfast cookies (doubled)
– molasses breakfast cookies
– Red Raspberry Leaf Tea Ice Cubes (for labor and postpartum; pretty strong)
– No bakes: chocolate (doubled) and pumpkin
– Cooked spaghetti squash
– Lots of beans
– Coconut flour banana bread (quadrupled)
– Frozen veggies
– whole wheat tortillas

Breakfasts
– Sourdough pancakes (doubled)
– Plantain pancakes
– Granola (1.5x, added 1 c cocoa)
– Sourdough English muffins (tripled, and I baked some but don’t recommend doing so)
– Sausage sweet potato egg bakes x2 (Plus another without sweet potato and sausage)

Main dishes: (freeze beans separately in case they seem to bother baby)
– Burrito bowls (just the sauce and cheese)
– Biscuits and BBQ sauce
– Sausage spinach soup (without pasta)
– Pumpkin chili
– Berber chicken
– Sweet potato chili (cook, then freeze)
– Salmon patties
– Pizza dough, sauce, cheese
– Pasta sauce with ground beef x2
– 6 cans black beans for these meals alone
– 2 cans white beans + more
– 2 cans refried beans + more
– Cool ranch chicken tacos (and cheese, tortillas, ref beans, salsa)
– Ginger curry chicken

Pantry
– Vitamins, CLO
– Canned salmon
– Buckwheat
– Steel cut oats
– Pasta – wheat and lentil.
– Plantain chips
– Peanut butter
– Rice, lentils, quinoa, oats, etc.

Did not end up freezing:
– broth cubes
– coconut oil chocolate (this was on the list both as a treat and for easy healthy fat intake postpartum, but in the end I ran out of room and decided it’s just as easy to add it in other places).
– baked oatmeal

On Being Dependent

None of us can do life on our own.

But when I’m rested, it’s easy to think that I can, or at least that I can as long as I have Ezra’s help with dishes and bedtime.

Pregnancy, especially the beginning and the end, make it pretty clear that I’m more dependent on God and others than I usually realize. The fatigue of pregnancy is a clear reminder that I am not God. All of the unknowns our of my control are also heavy indicators of this. And depending on the level of exhaustion, it’s easy to throw around the phrase “less human.” And when I start feeling “less human,” that becomes intertwined with not feeling like I am enough. Rather, that I am not doing enough.

Because when we can keep up with (all of, most, some, a few) of our ideals, it’s easy to think that what we do is earning love and worth. That when we can give something back is when we are lovable. Pregnancy (and even more, postpartum!) always brings me face to face with this lie, and living on a smaller budget in the basement “apartment” of Ezra’s parents’ home has also challenged this. More generally, having kids and moving frequently has done that – favors can’t always be returned, and there isn’t always time or opportunity to “earn” people’s help. But in the body of Christ, that’s all lies anyway because that’s not how God loves us. Not that we should be lazy, but that our worth and loveliness does not come from anything we do for God or others but completely by grace.

So I’ve learned to take free food or accept extra babysitting or a ride or kids’ clothes without any burden of feeling I have to do something in return. But it’s also been amazing to see places where I have been able to pour into the community – not necessarily back to the same people who have helped us, but others in the Body – in a way that points to the interdependence of God’s people. The same month we were given 13 newborn cloth diapers, we found a home to give away the booster seat that had never sold on craigslist. As believers, we should not have a log of who did what for me that I need to repay or who I’ve done things for that I can go to for help. It’s about grace and sharing freely what God has given us. Dependence.

This dependence does not make us “less human.” Having a low-functioning brain from being sleep deprived also does not make me “less human.” You are never more or less human.
Aubry Smith writes in Holy Labor (and this applies beyond pregnant women!), “Women are made strong because God has created them in his image. Women have limitations because they are human and not God (or goddesses!). Once we embrace our humanity, we are free to enjoy the strength God gives us and revel in the Sabbath rest given to us by our loving creator” (58).
So we can sleep with tasks unfinished, ask for help from people we hardly know, and receive support without shame. This is hard for all humans because of pride (we want to be gods! See “Humble Roots” by Hannah Anderson). But the popular narrative of pregnant women as “goddesses” can make this even harder for mothers.

Smith writes, “While I was physically stronger, the mother goddess narrative also loaded guilt and shame on me when I felt the limitations of my own body. Pregnant mothers do have limits, and the limitations are greater than the limitations on bodies of non-pregnant women… As I neared labor, my so-called inner goddess couldn’t be paged. I was coming to terms with my own humanity. These books left me almost unable to admit my creaturely weaknesses and limitations. And I still had postpartum ahead of me! I felt as if I lived in a paradox: a pregnant woman is strong, and a pregnant woman is weak” (45).

Like it or not, as humans we are dependent. When we are strong by God’s grace, others depend on us. And when we are weak, we by God’s grace depend on others. Either way, we are all the while recipients of His grace and hesed – a word that doesn’t fully translate into English but that Michael Card summarizes as “when the person from whom I have a right to expect nothing gives me everything.”

May we as members of the body of Christ, pregnant or not, weak or strong, fully receive His free grace, bestow it uncalculatingly on others, and receive it without burden.

Round 3…

I think most of my readers already know, but before I start assuming everyone does…

Baby #3 is coming in early October!

Everyone is very excited. E connects the baby with cake, because the marker we’ve given them is “after E’s birthday,” but even still the girls ask frequently when the baby will come out.

I am generally feeling well, just tired. I do plan on doing trimester updates again this time and am actually working on a hefty pregnancy resource and to-do list that I’ll probably share at some point.

Nursing my Babies

This IS a post about breastfeeding, so I recommend males not read it, though I did try to keep it as G as possible since it IS public online. This is also NOT in any way intended to be prescriptive or what I think people should do; it’s just my story. I have a longer version for anyone interested.

I had been warned it would be hard.
I had known it might not come naturally.
I had read books and it was covered in our birth classes.

But until you are actually trying to breastfeed your own baby, you don’t really know what it will be like. You don’t know the size of your baby’s mouth. You don’t know if she’ll have a tongue tie. You don’t know if you’ll have enough milk.

After S was born, we were discharged from the birth center with a syringe, a plastic spoon, a shield, and directions to return the next day if she didn’t start nursing, because S still hadn’t latched well enough and long enough to have a good feed. After a lot of time and support, we made it work.

But that was only the beginning. By the time she was four months old I had had mastitis 2 maybe 3 times and at least ten plugged ducts. My milk sprayed everywhere; S choked and spluttered, and the amount and speed at which my milk came out contributed to her silent reflux. Often I had to hold a wiggly, hangry baby while holding towels to catch the letdown when she came off and wait for it to pass before she could latch back on. I had the same issue after E was born, but avoided mastitis due to S still nursing and being able to alleviate oversupply.

Thankfully, my supply evened out by around four months, and after that it became easy and enjoyable. We started solids around 6 months, but from then until about 18 months she nursed every 2 hours during the day, and nothing I did could change that, unless I was actually gone. E did the same thing for a while, and I know from how pumped milk looks that my milk is “low fat” so my guess is that’s why.

When S was 14 months I found out I was pregnant with E, and decided to keep nursing if I could and she wanted to. I was willing to tandem nurse as long as S knew she couldn’t just ask for milk whenever she wanted. My supply dropped at 18 weeks, and S dropped to two feeds a day on her own.

After birth, E nursed twice within the first two hours of her birth. I couldn’t believe how easy it was. She was much slower than S, but still not slow to the point of feeding her being the only thing I was doing. Oversupply was still difficult, but more manageable despite the daily episode of spit up requiring new clothes for me and her and scrubbing the couch.

I weaned S shortly before she turned 3. She was still obsessed with mommy milk, but I was done. We provided a few days’ worth of after-nap treats, and then that was it. She was a little grumpy, but it wasn’t terrible.
E dropped down to one feed mostly on her own – she stopped asking for some of them, and I was at the point where I wasn’t as excited about nursing her, so I just let it be. Her 2nd birthday was the last time she nursed, and has only asked about it once since then.

3 years, 22 months, and 4 days of nursing, and definitely worth it. If we have another, I want to be ready from the start to deal with oversupply. I also want to be more in tune with how breastfeeding is affecting me emotionally, to know if/when I need to draw boundaries, whether that’s stopping completely, pumping for Ezra to do a feed, or supplementing for some feeds. I know in the mommy wars there are slogans of “fed is best” and “breast is best” and I don’t want to get into all that but in addition to baby being FED, mama needs to be SANE. And while I respect so many people all over the spectrum of baby feeding choices, the moms that amaze me are the ones who have wanted to breastfeed their babies, give it 110%, but know when they’ve hit their limit and need to change how they do things.

My advice to first time moms:
1. Have a good support system – husband, family, lactation consultants, birth providers, etc. Talk with them about what your goals are – how hard you want to try, what signs would signal you should stop, how you want your husband to help you, etc.
2. If you have ANY reason whatsoever to think there’s something that will make it more difficult don’t hesitate to ask before the baby is born.

Everyone Says

When my pastor’s wife shared Proverbs 3:5-6 at my baby shower for S, I confess that I brushed it off. I felt that there was so much else she could have imparted from her wealth of wisdom. Why had she instead given me what at the time seemed like an over-quoted, cliché passage?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways, acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.”

I thought I already knew that.
But after our daughter came bursting into the world, I found myself clinging to what “everyone said” about the first six weeks being the hardest. But when week seven was worse than the previous six, I assumed it was hopeless. As we struggled to get her to sleep anywhere other than on our chests, I turned again and again to blogs, baby sleep books, and other moms. I struggled to accept my husband’s suggestions when they were different than what I had heard elsewhere.

When our second daughter was a few weeks old, I despaired amid postpartum depression. “Everyone said” the transition from one to two children was the easiest, and “everyone said” that despite my fears that I wouldn’t love my second, “you’ll love her immediately.” But that wasn’t how it was for me.

Somewhere along the way with baby #2’s tummy troubles, I stopped mid-google. Maybe I should pray first. I began to see the wisdom of my pastor’s wife’s words. Proverbs 3:5-6 may frequently be quoted in a trite, cliché way, but her application of it to the life of a new mom was not.

It isn’t generally wrong to seek out advice from wiser parents, look for kid-friendly food ideas on Pinterest, or ask Dr. Google for ideas on solving your 3-week-old’s copious spit-up. But we are out of balance when they become our first line of defense. The Bible does not have sleep training schedules, recipes for gluten-free dairy-free blueberry muffins, or a list of what you should cut out of your diet to ease baby’s digestion. But in scripture we find the framework for how God wants us to view rest, food, our attitudes towards our children’s difficulties, and relational priorities. Then through the Spirit and prayer, we can seek to align our hearts and desires with what we find in His Word.

The glimpses we catch of others’ “staged” lives on social media greatly influence our “understanding.” My Instagram feed contains much good in Bible verses, mom-encouragement, cute kids, and birth announcements. But the houses, clothing, and activities of my friends and heroes – without the tears and conflicts of my day – are infiltrating my vision of what our lives should be. We look away from the people and circumstances God has put us in. The pixels on the screen replace Christlikeness as the standard of a good mom.

Are you leaning on your own understanding of what your daily life as a mom should be, or are you driven by choices steeped in the word of God? What’s your gut reaction in a moment of crisis? Do you turn to prayer and scripture and see the situation through a biblical lens, or are you weighed down by some cultural ideal you’ve fallen short of?

Social media may give you the idea that you can do it all and be it all: all the gourmet meals (with a low grocery budget), all the playdates, all the magazine décor and uncluttered floors – while remaining the perfect wife, mother, and entrepreneur. It says everyone else has it all together. It claims easy fixes for your baby’s tummy or sleep trouble. It says you deserve a break for all of your labors.
But what God says is different, and this is what we are supposed to lean on in all our ways and with all our hearts.
God says you are a sinner, having fallen short of His standard, deserving only His wrath (Romans 3:23).
God says you are justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus (Romans 3:24).
God says you are His beloved child (1 John 3:1).
God says you are free from having to earn anything – whether the approval of men for “having it all” or His forgiveness (Ephesians 2:10).
God says we should submit to our own husbands, not fight with him over discipline because of a popular blog (Ephesians 5:22). (Though there is a time and a place for discussing changes in discipline with him!)
God says being a mother is a worthy task, with or without other work on the side (1 Timothy 5:10, Titus 2:4-5).
God says my kids’ ultimate need is to know Him, not animal shaped food and Pinterest-worthy playrooms. They need kindness and direction, not a mother who gives into their every whim (Ephesians 4:32, 6:4).
God says that caring for your body and soul are important (Luke 5:16, Mark 6:30-32), but so is pouring your life out for others (Philippians 2, Luke 6:38).
God says that more important than checking all the boxes is loving others by looking out for their interests, not my own (Ephesians 5).

Whose voice are you listening to? As you plan your week, are you relying on goals coming from your own understanding and desires? Or are your days shaped by a deep conviction of what your Heavenly Father wants for you and who He says you are? Put your hope in Him, not what everyone says.

When I think about adding a third child to our family someday, it is easy for me to dwell on my own understanding of what “everyone says” about the transition from two to three being the hardest. I can let that drive me to fear, or I can trust in the Lord. In His faithfulness, He will make all of our paths straight.

For further encouragement in this area, check out Risen Motherhood’s episode 36.

(And while I’ve applied all this to motherhood, it’s true in every area of life – just change the examples!)

“Normal”

Marriage. Moves. Birth. Babies. Time apart because of work. That sums up our last 4.5 years: 3 international moves in 3 years, 2 more local moves, two babies in 2 years, and countless days apart.
In our circles, all of these were seen as “normal.” This led to me ignoring a lot of negative feelings and a lack of grieving changes because they were seen as positive (or at least ordinary since everyone else’s spouse was gone, too).
But while marriage is a happy beginning, it also changes family relationships. It’s ok to be sad, too.
While moving is exciting, there’s sorrow over what’s left behind. Grieve that. It’s a lifechanging event that needs to be processed and drains emotional energy that needs to be replenished.
While birth is natural, it is a big, violent event, even in the most flawless birth. Don’t ignore the fear.
While babies are good, they’re also hard, and motherhood is formative. Mothers need to be mothered.
While for many couples time apart due to work is necessary, the difficulty of it can’t be ignored. Marriages and families apart need supporting, even if it happens across a whole community.

Normal does not mean ok. Normal does not mean difficulty will clear up on its own. Normal does not mean you can ignore negative feelings. Normal doesn’t mean you don’t get help.
Somehow I thought it did, which led to me shutting out a lot of emotions that should have been processed. It probably contributed to PPD, which in many ways was the floodgates of all the feelings I thought I was done with overwhelming me. But it forced us to deal with those things, and this time as we’ve moved it’s been my goal to not shut out what I feel, but to process it rightly. To cry when I need to… but not cry if I don’t need to. To offer my fears to God in prayer. To trust Him to provide and give me hinds’ feet to tread the mountain of making new friends for the fourth time in five years.
I don’t entirely know what “normal” means for us or in general. But I do know that whatever changes, there is always one “normal” that never does: the God who loves me, the God I love.

A Few Pregnancy-Related Book Reviews

I recently paged through a number of resources I had heard about related to pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and hormones that I had on my list of potential books for our library. Most were disappointing, but a few were wonderful!

Real Food for Pregnancy – Lily Nichols.
See this fuller review here.
This was great! I am not as conservative about carbs, but otherwise this was very clear and thorough on nutrition, exercise (including some on diastasis recti), and supplements during pregnancy, as well as outlining a good plan for the “4th Trimester” (postpartum) without descending into Eastern medicine and spirituality.
Which was the major pitfall of…

The Fourth Trimester – Kimberly Johnson
I still paged through this book in the hopes of finding some puzzle pieces for PPD and hormone balance, but it was so full of Eastern medicine and spirituality that I cannot recommend it to anyone, especially after then reading Lily Nichols’ book.

Cooking for Hormone Balance – Magdalena Wszelaki
Lots of information about hormones and balancing them with nutrition. I can’t attest yet to if it works or not, but we’ll see! There are a number of recipes, however most I would not be able to try since I do not do well with nuts and seeds – just like seed cycling sounds worth a try but I would have to do them as butters and even then may not be able to handle it.
She does recommend silicone and greenpans, which I am on the fence about, and the oil smoke points seem off – but I’ve heard differing things about avocado oil especially! Some of her recipes also call for things like candied ginger… but I’m wondering where she finds any that isn’t with a sugar she doesn’t recommend?

I’ve been looking for a pregnancy version of Holy Labor in the sense of a book that helps women work through the trials and fears of pregnancy. Redeeming Childbirth is close, but I don’t agree with all of the theology and it is so based on her experience and is mostly stories so was often hard for me to identify with. I would love something different for next time I’m pregnant (not right now ;)). So I found three pregnancy journals that I hoped would be the answer.
Waiting in Wonder – Catherine Larson – was the most solid of the three, theologically anyway. I love how she turned the focus on some of the things we obsess over while pregnant to what we really should be thinking about on a deeper level. But overall it was rather fluffy/emotional without really delving into struggles on a deeper level.
Praying Through Your Pregnancy – Jennifer Polimino – was full of her journal and stories, which I didn’t like. There was also a lot from the International House of Prayer which I disagree with on a number of levels, so I didn’t get very far in this one and can’t recommend it.
The Christian Mama’s Guide to Having a Baby – Erin MacPhearson – was certainly entertaining, but surface-level on both the physical and spiritual side of things.

Have you found any good books from a Christian perspective on pregnancy? Especially for encouragement and perspective with things like morning sickness, body image, fears, etc.

Moving to postpartum…
Living Beyond Postpartum Depression – Jerusha Clark.
I had high hopes for this book, but was disappointed. Overall, much of the information was good, but she takes a psychology + Bible view of healing that I generally disagree with (see here for more). Theologically it was not the most sound, and poking around her church’s website their explanation of the gospel is along the lines of sin preventing us from having an abundant life rather than breaking our relationship with God (which does prevent an abundant life, but that’s not the biggest problem).
Even without that, she mentions the necessity of spiritual help and nutrition and not just medication, but most of the book focuses on the medical helps. There is barely anything beyond a few lines about proper nutrition.
Still, it is not without strengths: her chapters for spouses, parents, and family members were very good. There is a lot of information on medication and making sure it is tailored to your needs.
I would recommend When Postpartum Packs a Punch (Cowan) paired with Spurgeon’s Sorrows (Eswine) to people instead.

Hope When it Hurts – Wetherell and Walton
This looks VERY good. It seems to be a theology of suffering written in a more devotional form than I have encountered before, with journaling and prayer prompts. I wish I had had it in the throes of PPD, and might add it to our library if I am ever there again, and recommend it to those in the midst of suffering who need encouragement, especially in the form of theological grounding, but don’t have the capacity at that time for a denser, heavier work (in which case I might recommend “The Cup and the Glory” by Greg Harris, or “Spiritual Depression” by Martin Lloyd-Jones).

A Heart Set Free – Christina Fox
I was expecting this to be more devotional and have more time unpacking individual Psalms. But it’s a very good lament primer, and also very good for a discussion of how to handle emotions. Part three is more of a study of specific Psalms.

World-Changing Midwives

Midwives are world-changers.
Shiphrah and Puah feared God more than Pharaoh and saved Israelite babies.
Midwives in Foreign Country delivering royal babies paved the way for expat church freedom today.
My own midwives supported me not only in birth, but even more in my transition to motherhood: walking with me through fears, PPD, and breastfeeding. They did more than just deliver babies. They ensured a good start on the journey of motherhood, one of the most formative things I have ever done.

Pregnancy, birth, and postpartum have the potential to shape a mother, positively or negatively, depending not on how easy her path is, but the kind of support she receives. A birth provider that listens, educates, and supports makes all the difference, whether midwife or obstetrician. Their manner and attitude can build up or tear down a mother as she goes through a season of intense change and emotion. Not only is a midwife “with woman” in labor, but she is an influence in forming the mother. The way we start can determine whether we view motherhood as a delight or a drag.

The midwives mentioned above are all positive examples. But some of my friends have experienced the opposite in their personal lives. And just as Shiphrah, Puah, and the midwives in Foreign Country have shaped cultures, a midwife also shaped American culture.
We think of midwives as promoting a culture of life; this one did the opposite. Her name: Margaret Sanger.

Her response to questions of suffering women was not to walk with them through pain to redeem it. She did not help them grow into more mature people through difficulty. Instead, she decided to limit the pain and toil of childbearing unless the child was planned for and fully “wanted.” She promoted birth control and abortion, destroying health and lives rather than supporting them.

But Margaret Sanger didn’t have the full picture.
Romans 5:3-5 says,”…we exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance, and perseverance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

We don’t celebrate pain or call it good. We should take legitimate measures to lessen it. But without adversity, we would not grow. Our character would be weak. Our hope would waver. We would not truly know or prove the worth of God if we were not tested by temptation or pushed to Him in trial.

This is true in the spiritual realm for believers, but also in the shaping of a mother. With the right support team – midwives, nurses, doctors, family, friends, church – the pain and toil of birth, pregnancy, and postpartum can be not just something to get through, but something that can facilitate growth and form a mother who will in turn nurture her children in love.

For more on a biblical view of pain in childbearing, read “Holy Labor” by Aubry Smith.

If There is a Next Time

The what-I-would-do-differently if PPD comes again based on what I’ve learned, knowing that, as before, truth may not help in the moment, but I still need to be putting it in front of me (not any sort of announcement; I’m not pregnant). Some of this is easily doable, other parts are things that I can strive for but are ultimately out of my control.

• I will talk openly with my midwife and anyone else on my support team about what has happened before and make a plan with them ahead of time.
• I won’t give it time to clear up on its own or for difficult circumstances to pass before I get help.

• likewise, I will process emotions instead of ignoring them.

• I will get baby a bedtime ASAP if I need that time and space back (we had tried and tried with E and she wasn’t ready and then we couldn’t try while all in one room and it was awful).
• I will read a Psalm every day, even if I can’t connect with anything in it.
• I will allow myself to mourn any changes that make me sad instead of just pushing through them or resenting them.
• I won’t try to stave off PPD by pushing it away, but by really dealing with the thoughts and bringing them to Him.
• I will try to find things I love about the newborn stage, things that are unique this baby’s personality.
• I will guard my time and healing beyond the first six weeks, and nap with baby as long as I am able.
• I will assume the first 6 months will just be difficult and crazy.
• I will eat nutrient dense foods as much as possible.
• I will remind myself of the purpose of suffering, the sovereignty and goodness of God.
• I will strive to submit myself to His way instead of clamoring for my own.
• I will see PPD as a gift, not as punishment, but as God’s redemptive work in my life to free me from my sin.
• I will log out of social media so I can focus on what matters.
• I will find (small) ways to serve (like prayer, pumping to donate), and use my PPD for good (sharing my story has brought so much healing, closure, and clarity). Isaiah 58:9-11.
• I will look beyond the here and now to eternity secure in His presence. “An endless day of joy is coming and nothing can avert its dawning.” (Elyse Fitzpatrick, page 91, Because He Loves Me)
• I will not neglect the spiritual disciplines of prayer, memorization, being in the Word, gathering with the church, etc. “We look for the Spirit in the extra-ordinary when God has promised to be with us in the ordinary.” “Spiritual disciplines are conduits of the Spirit’s transforming grace.” (quoted from James K.A. Smith’s You Are What You Love)

My greatest prayer is that if it comes again, He will give me the faith and trust in Him to surrender to Him and what He is doing instead of trying to fight my way out, that by His grace I will accept the cross as a gift, and see how He is transforming it.